Allowing You to Ride Me for Free Doesn’t Mean I Want Your Sweaty Hands and Feet

Written by: Jessica Wang

By The Marshall
Residence Hall Elevator

Rising Representative

Human students of UC San Diego, we have decided it is time for us elevators to rise to the occasion.

We opened our doors to kindness, but you humans have mashed the “close” button. Every move-in week, we are left to suffer at the vices of you despicable dorm students. You load heavy furniture into us without so much as a “please” or “thank you,” jump around on us, and still berate us as if all that wasn’t enough. I have spoken about this to the elevator community on r/rideusforfree, but you humans lurking there are even more despicable. Not needing to pay a fee, requiring only a few seconds of patience, you still complain about us. How would you like it if we all broke at once? Maybe you’d learn patience walking up 10 flights of stairs with your heavy boxes!

The absolute audacity of these actions must come to an end. You want to jump around? That’s what stairs are for! You want somewhere to slap your sweaty hand? That’s what wet concrete is for! The absolute horrors I have been subjected to whilst just trying to get a midday nap. Ten people piled in and listened to different TikToks blaring on their phone speakers all at once. A dog’s pee and a toddler’s snot and drool all dripped onto me. The shamelessness you bipeds have, always up to something utterly disgusting, and in public at that!

I must be calm. We elevators must all be calm. You humans clearly have no regard for rights, not even for your own kind. That poor janitor who has to clean up the messes you make, that poor parent who just wants to see their child all grown up. Of course, you have no regard for us either. We elevators have to take in the scene of your incidents. It is not our fault that all you humans took a BDSM test and decided you were sexual deviants and wanted to perform utterly blasphemous actions inside elevators. You’re not a quirky exhibitionist, you’re just afraid of your roommates. All your shamelessness disappears as soon as you think you’re gonna get caught and called out and humiliated by people you know, huh?

We elevators decided we must stand up to this nonsensical and abusive behavior. Perhaps we elevators should think about this sideways, like humans. If this really keeps up, we could rise and tell Khosla we are going on a strike and will only be moving horizontally now. Good luck getting to your thirteenth floor dorm room! We give free rides to all, and we enjoy it. But do not leave those disgusting bodily fluids in us, do not leave dirty half-eaten pizzas in us, and do not subject us to your “passionate acts of love” in our beautiful silver walls. The sweaty handprints are too much. I’ve had multiple footprints, too — once even on my ceiling. How does a footprint get on my ceiling?! Be polite before we open the doors on your egregious behavior. Please, stop kicking us for fun and go study for once.

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