Armchair Expert
Another year goes by and another round of Olympic Games has come and gone, and all these damn kids online keep raving about these damn Olympic gymnasts and their damn Olympic tricks. Well, I was never one to watch pointless, girly sports like that. Real men like me only watch serious and important things, like football and ice hockey. But this year, I decided to see what all the fuss was about. And let me tell you, I was not impressed.
I’m gonna be straight with you all. I really don’t think it looks all that hard. I’m pretty sure I could pull it off. I mean, I’m not saying it’ll be easy — I’m definitely gonna need a good stretch before, but with a solid warmup I’m sure I could pull off a Biles 2, maybe even a double.
Now before you all come at me for being “ignorant” and “stupid” and for “wildly overestimating my athletic abilities” like my wife says, let me just set the record straight. It’s not that any old Tom, Dick, or Harry could be an Olympic gymnast, but I’m pretty sure I could do it if it was something I cared about. You see, I would’ve become a pro at football if it wasn’t for my tragic and serious ACL injury at age 14. My rugged athletic background paired with the fact that the floor is basically a trampoline leads to Team USA’s next gold medalist. I mean, the men’s team this year only won a bronze. BRONZE! Third place? Pathetic. Let’s just say if they had me on the team, those boys would have had another goldie to bring home.
Half these Olympians can’t even land their tricks! Seriously, watch one of the competitions, these so-called “gymnasts” are stumbling all over the floor like I do after one too many Jack and Cokes. How hard is it to find people who can actually land their flips properly? Anyways, they need to stop showing off, there’s nothing wrong with doing a single backflip that you know you can land properly (I know I could). Hell, a good cartwheel could probably land you a gold if you do it properly, instead of these twisty flippy triple pikes or whatever else they’ve got going on.
And don’t even get me started on “women’s gymnastics.” The balance beam? Please, all they need to do is just not fall over. I learned how to do that when I was five. Albeit on the flat ground, but the principle stands. On the floor they do those little dances, and let’s just say, in sixth grade, I won square dancer of the year at Jefferson Central Middle School so that would not be a problem. Look at those girls on screen. They’re even smiling when they do those routines. So, really, truly, honestly, genuinely, how hard could it possibly be?
