Written by: Dylan Towner

The Australian military has reported that their second crusade against the emus has failed. Following their defeat at the hands of the birds in the 1932 Emu War, the Australians have reportedly been “licking their wounds” ever since. The government chose to take action after the emus’ recent siege on the iconic Sydney Opera House. Ornithologists speculate that the increased activity in the emu population comes from jealousy over the Australian people’s increased affection for blue heeler dogs. 

When the Australian military breached the opera house, they were repelled by several thousand furious birds, “scratching” and “clawing” and “generally making a ruckus.” The military  was forced to retreat and concede defeat to the emus for the second time in their history. In response, emus were seen walking around and eating grass. Continued eyewitness reports have confirmed that Australia is officially “for the birds.”

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