Frosty the Snowman Pronounced Dead

Written by: Erin Yao

“His heart thumpity-thump-thumped until it could thump-thump no more,” said one local child.
Photo by Julia Wong

Frosty the Snowman, a man made out of snow, was just pronounced dead. By the time officials arrived at the scene, they were too late to save the melted pile of snow that many children called a friend. All that remained was his old top hat, corn cob pipe, button nose, and two eyes made out of coal. His community remembers him as selfless, compassionate, and “extremely cold to the touch, but warm inside.”

Official autopsy reports stated that Frosty’s cause of death was “high temperatures due to global warming, which he didn’t fully believe in until he accidentally traveled to Australia on Christmas last year.” He posted on X at the time: “It’s hotter than that greenhouse that melted me all those years ago #isavedkaren #butthenidied #andnowimback #whewitshothere.”

This isn’t the first time Frosty has been found dead. In 1950, the snowman risked his life to save his friend and creator, Karen, by warming her up in a greenhouse. He was able to return to his original form on Christmas Day the next year as temperatures dropped. Since then, Frosty has melted approximately 73 times, but each time he was able to “come back to life like a freaking phoenix rising from the ashes,” as he described in a Facebook post. “Every time I come back to life, I stay frozen until temperatures start climbing again in spring and I return to the water cycle.”

However, this year, climate experts are worried that the rising temperatures will prevent Frosty from ever coming back again. “It’s been a really warm year. The ice caps are melting, polar bears are losing their homes — what’s next? The Anaheim Ducks lose their ice rink?” said scientist Pen LeGuin. “We are concerned that these ever-rising temperatures will make it hard for Frosty to return.”

“He was such a jolly, happy soul,” Karen reported. She is now 80 years old, but she still keeps in touch with Frosty. “I would send him letters and he would send me back wet jars of water. I think they used to be snow. I’m sad to see him go.”

On the other hand, certain members of the community shared that they were happy to see him gone for the season. “He was always leading the children through the streets of town, usually right to the traffic cop! Do you know how unsafe that is?” Sarah Stopsign, a mother of three children, reported. “And he had a corncob pipe. What kind of example is that setting for kids?”

Memorial services will be held at the Rink at Rockefeller Center next Saturday, where friends and lovers of Frosty the Snowman will gather to honor his spirit. Mediums will be present as well, in hopes of communicating with the snowman and conjuring him back to life in time for Christmas.

Leave a Reply

Your email address will not be published. Required fields are marked *