It’s Paranormal, Not Parasocial

ArticlesEditorialOpinion

Written by: Olga Vysotsky

by Jennifer Monne Steirfücher
A Very Normal Girl

I have been getting a lot of rude and judgmental comments from the other townspeople that I really don’t appreciate, so I would just like to address the allegations. Yes, I have a very real, very normal relationship with Bigfoot. I walk into the woods in the wee hours of the morn, and I see him, cloaked in the shadows, a great hulking figure — perhaps eight or nine feet tall — and a pair of small shimmering lights, which I can only assume are his eyes, distantly glowing, and I just know, the way a girl knows. Little, petty comments about this are not asked for and NOT appreciated!

Folks, this is what relationships are about. Love is not about the ever growing closeness of emotional intimacy and mutual investment in each other’s joy and wellbeing. That would be stupid. It’s actually about what a tall, hairy, creature of the night could theoretically do to me if one would approach within touching distance. Any ordinary person in my normal, humdrum life could never measure up to literally Bigfoot! Ugh! This is what girls like Rachel could never understand.

I have also been hearing a lot of what should probably be considered slander about my hubby. Is he a bit “problematic”? Okay, maybe. But my only response is, so what? Oh, he “eats your livestock” or “steals your grain.” You literally don’t know how hard it is to be him. Imagine having a whole village hate you and put fences and stakes up everywhere to constantly remind you of that. Think about how lucky we are to be haunted by a cryptid like him, with such big strong arms… Rachel could only dream of being so lucky.

I just think if some of you wandered out on a foggy afternoon and let yourself be taken by a forest creature, you would also understand why what we have is so special. Honestly, I just think that when I disappear for days with nothing but a basket of raw chicken livers and my sexiest wench dress, people should really be reacting with a lot more gratitude. Yeah okay, maybe I’m mostly doing this in hopes he will be drawn in by the scent and I can finally come close enough to brush a gentle hand across the coarse, dirty fur of his shoulder, and show him a sensual kindness he has never known before, but also imagine if I didn’t! He might wander off to another town, and we would be losing literally our greatest ass-et. Ugh!

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