Gunter Icha – Serving Up Justice

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Written by: Taggert Smith

Yeah, so it’s technically cannibalism. But let’s not be reductive. What I am, what this movement is, is so much more. Let me explain. It all started with an idea. There’s an overabundance of annoying and problematic people in this world. And I am very hungry. Frankly, I can’t believe no one thought of this before. I sent out a poll, not expecting much, saying “hey, I’ll only cannibalize the people you personally find annoying.” Surprisingly, I received an overwhelming response in support of my vision! Here’s one message I found especially heartwarming. Jonathan writes, “You’re expanding the boundaries of what we thought cuisine could be, and I think that’s really cool. That, and I really want Kate out of my fucking life. A spit roast would be appropriate. Cheating bitch. Thanks, Gunter!” This is exactly what I’m talking about. Now, I can get fed up with the people everyone else is fed up with! When I was first starting out, a guy told me he thought it sounded like one big “food pyramid scheme,” before I cured him, cooked him, and turned him into salami. He was just salty, I think. Like, too salty. Unpleasantly so. Curing meats is a delicate business, folks. Remember that. I’m making food into something collaborative, as it should be. We’re not animals, it’s not the dog-eat-dog world it was for our ancestors anymore back when eating was a competition to survive. We can work together for the benefit of us all. Well, most of us all. Sometimes, there must be a cull. It’s my own Modest Proposal for solving the cotidian woes of the world. And I know what you’re thinking: yes, it’s technically vegan. Truly ethical consumption, at last! We finally have the power to tip the scales of social inequality through cuisine, and that’s inspiring. This movement will soon reach across the world and beyond! Speaking of which, I have a lot of CEOs to track down before they get off-world.

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