
“Don’t worry, I’m not just teaching the kids the alphabet,” said Sergeant Major Major. “They’re also learning how to liberate oil.”
Photo by Jordan Whitlow
Last Wednesday, naval aviators in the 3rd Marine Aircraft Wing flying out of Marine Corps Air Station Miramar released an official apology to the city of San Diego and its residents. “On behalf of my fellow Marines, I just want to say how sorry we are, San Diego,” said Diccra Yonas, Commanding Officer of Marine Aircraft Group 16. “The Miramar Air Show was quite frankly an embarrassment, and we’ve been too afraid to show our faces in the skies above San Diego, too mortified to reassure you with the thrum from our choppers, and so distraught that we haven’t even deafened one person with a sonic boom since. But today, we vow to show our spirit as Marines! No more will we cower in the shadows, leaving the good people of San Diego able to hear their thoughts, and worse, their neighbors. Today marks the first day of Operation Screeching Eagle, a 60-day blitz in which we vow that the skies overhead will be filled with the awe-inspiring, jaw-dropping, eardrum-bursting sound of American freedom.”
San Diego mayor Todd Gloria praised the Marines for their service to the city, saying, “For too long the skies above our great city have been quiet. Honestly, I’ve been struggling to sleep at night without the free red, white, and blue noise. Something about the roar of a jet overhead reassures you, knowing that $55.8 million in patriotic steel is plummeting sideways at Mach 2 and keeping the terrorists at bay. That’s why I’m calling all San Diego residents to join me in supporting the Marines financially in an attempt to extend Operation Screeching Eagle.”
Following the mayor’s call to action, thousands of San Diegans began both donating money and enlisting to join the Marines. “For so many years I’ve been spoiled by the sound of billions of dollars flying overhead,” said La Jolla resident Rica Shole. “Today I was happy that I could support the Marines, not just with the little bits and pieces of my taxes every year but by giving them my kid. Sure, he’s only 12, but he can fly a remote control helicopter so how much harder can a UAV be?”
However, a small group of San Diego residents spoke out in opposition to Operation Screeching Eagle. “I cannot believe people want to hear more airplanes, I already have to hear all the commercial ones barreling overhead to San Diego International, and now you’re telling me the military jets are coming back. It’s enough to make a grown man cry!” shared kindergarten teacher Childa Shole. “Every time a plane flies over my classroom, the kids lose focus. It takes me 10 minutes to get them back on track, at which point another plane flies overhead. We’ve been trying to learn the ABCs for three months but all the kids keep saying neuuu, heww, and vroom instead of ‘lmnop.’”
In protest of Operation Screeching Eagle, Shole and other teachers have started sitting on the runways at Miramar Air Base, blocking any planes from taking off. “The teachers’ protest hasn’t been very successful,” said Yonas. “We simply have been flying helicopters which they can’t effectively block, and in the next week aircraft carriers USS Carl Vinson and USS Gerald R. Ford will be getting into position in the port to lend air support. In the meantime, I’ve sent several of my marines to teach those kids the only letters in the alphabet that matter: Oorah!”