POINT: I’ll Never Find Love and Neither Will You
Lonely Heart
At the ripe old age of 20, I’ve lived, I’ve laughed… so when will I find love?! I have never been kissed, I have never held hands. Is this it for me? Will I be alone forever? I see visions of myself in the future with nothing but hordes of cats to love. And the cats don’t love me back! How can they? If I haven’t found the one yet, that must mean I am innately unloveable. There must be something wrong with me. Or maybe worse, something wrong with love… Oh God. I’ve finally realized.
Love. Doesn’t. Exist.
Not for me, not for you, not for any of us. The movies lied! Dating? Fake. Finding the one? An urban legend, passed down from generation to generation, like Bigfoot, or the necessity of sunscreen. We may as well all give up now, and focus on other important things. I suppose we’ll have to figure something out for the continuation of the human species — we can work on reproducing asexually, or something. Maybe create children in labs. But should we even bother? Why carry on a society which perpetuates the myth of “love” only to later prove that it never existed in the first place?
Feel free to join me on Valentine’s Day; I’ll be throwing pinecones at couples and shouting that they need to just give up.
COUNTERPOINT: I’ve Already Found Love but You Just Can’t Meet Her Cuz She Lives in Canada
“Taken”
Speak for yourself bro — because your boy Bradley is a master of love. That’s right fellas. Braddy has a girlfriend. Oh yeahhhh, I am taken AF. Now, I know you’re all wondering, who is this remarkable woman who I am absolutely dating, and when can we meet her? Well, first of all, you can’t. She lives abroad. In Canada. Yup. We’re doing long distance. Her name is… erm… her name is Tamara. Tam Hortons, yeah.
Tam and I, we loooove each other. And sure, doing long distance is hard, but it’s so so worth it to say I have a girlfriend. I mean… worth it because I like Tam. So much. What’s that? Do I have a photo of her? Erm… she’s shy, she’s so shy, she doesn’t like to take photos. I keep her beauty in my mind. Plus, if I had
photos of her in my room or on my lockscreen or something, it might make girls not want to talk to me if they thought I was taken and that would freaking suck. I mean, not that I’m bringing other girls to my room. I am loyal, of course.
Love is totally real — you just don’t have baller game like your boy Brad.
Actually… You’re sorta cute. Or like, really cute, or whatever. Maybe we can go out sometime? Don’t worry about Tam.
super ultra cool girl
