“You didn’t hear it from me,” whispered Cage, “but I heard there’s a treasure map on the back cover of The Cat in the Hat.”
Photo by Amit Roth
Last Tuesday, two-headed snake owner and declared “National Treasure” Nicolas Cage caused a commotion on the lawn of Sun God on Friday afternoon while consuming a dry slice of chocolate cake a crow had been finishing. “I can’t eat this Devil’s food any longer,” Cage called out, accidentally beckoning the attention of the Christian student organization CAGE, also known as California Autonomous Godly Emissaries. Members of CAGE tabling on the lawn reportedly interpreted the actor’s plea for Sails as a Declaration to “find salvation in the arms of God.”
Cage, who visited UCSD to research his upcoming role as a controversial Theodore Geisel, or “Doctor Pseudo Seuss,” was slated to meet with a group of experts to discuss “Seussian flimflam” in preparation for his performance. Cage, spotting the CAGE club’s T-shirts and signs, addressed the Christian group as his “personal welcome committee.” “I have arrived! I’m here and I’m ready to share my story, to move people with the knowledge I gain from each of you to an audience of millions,” Cage said, gaining a following of club members who were intrigued by his “commanding” tone and “recognizable” face from the “allegorical masterpiece” The Croods.
“What happened next was as close to enlightenment as I’ve ever been,” exclaimed Mayra Lee, a student who happened to be napping on the lawn following her Cult Studies seminar. “I recognized him immediately: Nic Cage, legendary in the seminar for his appeals to emotion through Instagram Reels. He flexes his acting muscles for hours by taking improv suggestions from the chat.” Lee pointed Cage out to her clubmates, suddenly moved to tears by such a celebrity sighting. Cage, seeing the reaction of the crowd he’d gathered, began quoting phrases from his self-published self-help book, such as, “Unless someone like you cares a whole awful lot, nothing is going to get better, it’s not.” Lee then asked Cage to name the verse he was reciting and Cage replied, “Lorax 4:7.”
CAGE members then invited Cage to crowdsurf amongst their “heaven-sent” arms, as they delivered the actor to Price Center. When they arrived, they noticed the Chancellor was holding a ribbon cutting ceremony for his own pickpocketing program, in which students are encouraged to rob one another at various Price Center locations for the chance to win a competitive slot for a therapy appointment with Counseling and Psychological Services (CAPS). As Khosla caught a glance of the paraded Nic Cage, he exclaimed “Oh good! A new model for our Crypto Club, the flesh and blood of Sir Nicolas Cage himself!” According to an anonymous CAGE member, the actor, “in true uncaged Cagean fashion, undertook the unbearable weight of pickpocketing all the pickpockets and replaced the money with priceless coupons to his six-hour-long self-help seminars.”