The U.S. to Start Broadcasting All Court Proceedings Following Popularity of Heard-Depp Trial

Written by: Jacob King

One attorney concluded, “I rest my case, just like I rest on this MyPillow.”
Photo by Maria Dhilla

Last Tuesday, the White House announced a new executive order that would mandate the public broadcasting of all civil and criminal court proceedings of the United States on both federal and state levels. According to the press secretary, the aim of this new order is to “get young children engaged with American legal proceedings by providing entertaining content that shows off the robust and fair nature of our legal system.”

In an interview with the press later that day, President Biden answered questions about what spurred him to sign this executive order. “Look, here’s the deal,” he started. “The other day I was, uhh, in this debriefing, and let me tell you, it was boring. When I wouldn’t stop complaining, they went and put a computer in front of me,” he said. “I just started clicking around and found my way to ‘’ This site is amazing! I watched this music video about a shark for an hour or so, and then I clicked on a video called ‘Top 10 Johnny Depp Trial Funny Moments 24.’ Let me tell you, that was some funny shit, Jack. I thought to myself, ‘Gosh darn it, maybe this whole court system is useful for something.’”

Along with the announcement of the new executive order, the White House released a statement saying that ABC Studios — a subsidiary of the Disney Corporation — won the government contract for exclusive broadcasting rights to the trials. “This is an absolutely amazing opportunity. Today’s youth love high-stakes, emotional content, and there’s nothing more high-stakes than the possibility of a life sentence,” said ABC President Saul Slickerman. “We are so excited to bring this new content to the most cutting-edge and innovative platform in existence: cable television.”

Some creatives are excited for the new opportunity as well. Lowel Lovings, showrunner for the new ABC show Grandmas Committing Manslaughter, has been very jubilant about the announcement. “There is just so much we can do here,” said Lovings. “It’s literally a well of infinite content. People are always committing crimes, they’re always going to court, they’re always going to jail. I mean, they’re doing this anyway, so what’s the harm in throwing a camera in there and broadcasting it to millions of people?”

Reactions online appear somewhat more mixed. “I just think it’s a little wrong to exploit people in vulnerable situations,” said @Draughtwurst. “but it’s funny tho,” countered @BLord22, immediately resolving the argument. These comments are indicative of the larger online debate. Users appear divided between the perceived comedic possibilities, the ethical impact of broadcasting legal proceedings, and the possible entertainment value of “seeing someone’s life get ruined by the state in real time.”

In an unexpected turn of events, people are now committing crimes and pushing their cases to trial just to get their “big break.” Over the last week, there has been a 47% uptick in arrests in the LA area. “I’ve always believed in my ability to succeed, I just needed an opportunity to be put in front of the cameras,” said Gloria Glory, an up-and-coming comedian currently out on bail and awaiting trial. “I’ve got this really funny tight five about gas versus electric stoves that I think is going to go great with my arson case.”

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