“Getting a chance to sit down and talk with the Sun was enlightening,” said one journalist. “They’re not as bright as they seem.”
Photo by Sharon Roth
Over the weekend, a British tabloid exposed a well-known star for creating a nuclear power plant larger than any previously found on Earth. The initial article reported bright lights and flares emerging from the power plant, which onlookers found “threatening” and “confusing.”
This celebrity is none other than the Sun, a “beloved” star who has appeared in a variety of films and television shows since the dawn of cinema. One of the star’s former friends, Bruno Mars, told reporters, “Stay away from this freak. Anyone who gets close to them ultimately gets burned.”
Mars informed the tabloid that a few months ago, he noticed the star conducting dangerous nuclear experiments. The news was published eight minutes later. The Sun, who was last seen outside before disappearing over the horizon, could not be reached for further comment.
Mars said, “I always knew the Sun was interested in nuclear energy — it seems like such an appealing alternative to fossil fuels. But most celebrities just limit themselves to uranium fission or whatever. Fusing hydrogen into helium is just entirely too dangerous, and on such a massive scale too — the Sun told me they plan to make 384.6 septillion Watts of power. Talk about being power hungry!”
Fans were shocked to learn that their once beloved star was supporting the production of nuclear energy. Venus von Flytrapp, who runs the podcast What Are Celebrities Doing This Week?, felt “betrayed” by the Sun’s endeavors. She elaborated, saying, “As a longtime fan of the Sun, I sometimes feel like I know them better than they know themselves. I deserve to know things, like how they refuse to support renewable energy! Is nuclear power really better than wind turbines and solar panels? Be so serious. The Sun has been such a shining star and guiding light for me throughout my entire life, and I don’t know why they didn’t consider me and my feelings when deciding to build this power plant.”
Burt Lopez, founder of Pony Solar, the world’s leading producer of solar panels, discussed the consequences of the Sun’s new nuclear power plant. He said, “Normally I wouldn’t care about celebrity gossip, but I cannot in good faith endorse what the Sun is doing. The Sun’s power plant is creating so much energy that it is literally heating up the entire planet.”
Millions of Twitter users caused the hashtag #TheSunIsOverParty to trend. One user, @Pluto_is_a_planet, wrote: “Celebrities need to learn how to stay in their lane. Shouldn’t the Sun stick to doing what they do best, instead of trying to do this whole ‘nuclear fusion’ thing?”
The user @Pluto_is_a_planet led the charge to build an artificial moon which would be suspended between the Earth and the Sun in order to cause a permanent solar eclipse. They posted a GoFundMe link, imploring other Twitter users to “block the Sun on Twitter AND in real life.”
Pony Solar made a sizable donation to the GoFundMe. Burt Lopez left a note to go along with the donation. He wrote, “The Sun has been in the spotlight long enough. And really, these stars need to get over themselves! It’s not like the world revolves around them.”
Sharon was “born” in 1801. She inspired the Archie Comics, which later inspired the hit TV show Riverdale.
