What’s the deal with sports these days? When I was a kid, there were still new narratives and new agendas being pushed. We had Michael Jordan and his gambling, “Troy Aikman is gay” rumors, and Sonny Liston taking a dive. Now the best thing we have is Tom Brady, who kisses his son on the lips, supposedly deflating some balls. Nobody seems to care that everyone knows the outcomes of games before they happen. Did anyone really believe that the Warriors would lose the finals last year? I mean, how hard is it to predict that those guys are going to put the ball in the hoop?
I know the scripts to all the major sports these days. If Chris Paul is in a game seven scenario, I know a Scott Foster legacy game is on its way. If Patrick Mahomes hurts his leg, I already know they’ll pump him full of whatever stuff horses get so that he can demolish the Bills yet again. If the Dodgers have a great regular season, they’ll somehow blow it all in the playoffs. They all play the same way too. Where’s the fun in trying to hit it really hard every time? Why don’t they try to gently caress and hold the ball every once in a while?
Back in my day, we had real players and real stakes. Guys like Larry Bird and Drew Brees, who played the game the right way. None of that hyper-athletic streetball-type stuff. Just regular old guys who are first in and last out at the gym. Real lunch pail kind of guys. If I wanted to give a hot take, I had to say something ridiculous to my buddy about how Magic Johnson got mad cow disease, or I had to invent an absurd nickname for a player. The best we have these days is telling some loser on Twitter “You know ball” after they tweet “LeGoat > CurFraud” for the millionth time.
You might be thinking to yourself that there’s no way I could have predicted every single sporting event of the past decade. You would be wrong. I correctly predicted the Scottish team winning the 2023 World Men’s Curling Championship, as well as the last three womens’ NCAA D3 lacrosse runners-up. So what if I thought Russell Wilson would make the Broncos Super Bowl winners? And who could have predicted that Man City would be any good this year? Maybe I did want to draft Johnny Manziel over Khalil Mack, but who could have predicted that a coked-up frat boy would have drug issues when given a multimillion dollar contract?
The next time you find yourself in the unfortunate position of watching the Sharks play the Blackhawks, observe that they all try to do the same thing — get that puck into the back of the net. None of them are truly original in any way, and you’ll eventually find yourself bored with just how predictable these silly games are.