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Local Christians Claim Halloween as a Precursor to Christmas

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“I think I finally have my Jesus costume nailed down,” said one trick-or-treater.
Photo by Farhad Taraporevala

Last Sunday, a local Christian group called “Holy Spirit Halloweeners” amassed outside of a local Spirit Halloween, claiming that the “Spirit” in the store name was, in fact, the Holy Spirit. Bearing signs with Bible verses and portraits of a disappointed Jesus, the group notified shoppers of their apparent support for this new Christian holiday.

The Holy Spirit Halloweeners have shown up to middle schools to jeer at students for their blasphemous costumes. “Those people shamed me for my devil horns and red tutu!” said one local middle schooler. “My friend Sarah got, like, so many compliments on her halo and angel wings, while they all just, like, called me a Satanist or whatever. All we wanted to do was look cute in our Insta post!”

At the demonstration, the group sang acoustic covers of Halloween songs, such as “I Always Feel Like Jesus is Watching Me,” “Calling All the Disciples,” and “The Jesus Mash.” When asked about this newfound holiday cheer, Christian singer/songwriter James Crusifictchen stated, “I used to think that Halloween was just a ploy to get children to worship Satan. Now my eyes have been opened to the power of Jesus’ love. What better way to oppose the devil than by accepting Halloween as Jesus would, and using the night to spread the good word?” Crusifictchen also stated that this Halloween, he’d be dressing up as Ephesians 4:32, and passing out Bible verses instead of candy.

Local children, however, are upset by this change in sentiment. Nine-year-old Billy Bumpkin complained to his parents: “I want candy! I don’t wanna go to church on Halloween! That’s boring!” He was also heard conspiring with other children in hopes of staging a revolution against the Holy Spirit Halloweeners.

On the contrary, parents are relieved at the addition of Christ to Halloween. “I’m not even religious, but if going to church will put my kids to sleep at a reasonable time, we’ll go. Usually, they eat pounds of candy and don’t sleep for three days straight. They’re mad, but Halloween is on a Monday this year. It’s a school night!” said a self-proclaimed mommy blogger on her page “Wine and Shine.”

Even at the promise of communion and sugar-free candy, many children would rather be in the streets trick-or-treating, to the dismay of dentists. In fact, local dentist Dr. Cava Teerum is all for this change in celebration, expressing his excitement for Christ’s power in preventing cavities in his younger patients. “Halloween is a dentist’s worst nightmare. Filling a child’s cavity is terrible for all involved. With youth off the streets and in church pews this Halloween, I suspect we’ll see a decrease in emergency dentist visits during the weeks following. I mean, sure, I make money off of cavities, but that doesn’t mean I want patients to have them!”

As this movement becomes more widespread, religious theorists expect that soon, Christians will be claiming May 4th, also known as Star Wars Day, with the slogan “May the power of Christ be with you.”

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