Conan O’Brien Returns as Sixth College’s Namesake

Written by: Janice Kim

The Conan O’Fryin barbecue began with a Cannon O’Brien 21-gun salute.
Photo by Amit Roth

After more than 21 years of sticking “passive-aggressive” Post-it Notes to their dorm windows, Sixth College underclassmen and twentieth-years gathered at Blue Bowl to finally receive the answer to their demands: the college’s long-awaited naming shower. 

Twenty minutes after the planned starting time, attendees were told to direct their gaze towards the Mandeville LED screen. Student Toussaint Nombre recounted a slideshow “bedazzled in powder pinks and blues” that shuffled through the top contenders for Sixth’s new era. “It was incredible,” he said. “It was like, Sally Ride College, fade transition, Mother Teresa College, checkerboard transition, Britney Spears College, heat-death-of-the-universe transition, before the big reveal: the college has been named after another man!” An AI-generated internet dance performed by none other than Conan O’Brien was immediately followed by a 3-point increase in NBC stock.

After many students expressed confusion about the decision, event organizers provided a single photocopied pamphlet about O’Brien’s intimate history with Sixth for the crowd to share. Unpaid Associated Students intern Paige Chekov observed, “The paper itself was lost to someone pocketing ‘free stuff,’ but by that point the students had melded into a hivemind and were able to read it aloud as one. Happy for them!” The pamphlet’s contents were broadcast in English and Deep Speech:

“The Lord Conan first spoke in 2012, five years ago, at Sixth College’s tenth anniversary, and ever since that innovative, interconnected, and aware day, we have clamored for the messiah’s second coming. Now, at last! UCSD returns to its redheaded roots. The Lord Conan admits he is homesick for the ADA-adjacent Canyon of Pepper, but he sends his appreciation for his new domain’s geopolitical potential. Dissidents shall be met with mildly effective barriers placed along Ridge Walk in the same orange as his
flaming locks!”

The head of the UCSD Historian Hub, who chose to remain anonymous “for clout,” sent out a rapid bulletin via Instagram Close Friends story. “About Conan College… This is the first time someone’s been uh, alive? Ngl it’s kinda annoying because we can’t just slap his autograph on laws and merch like we do with the others. It’s something about negotiating  royalties? But if the Queen’s dead, why would it matter? Whatever.” The message concluded with a “pleading” emoji that the historian’s “close friends” noted as being “of dubious ironic value.” 

For now, O’Brien was appointed “Provisional Mascot” and invited to table for assorted AS-sponsored events, the first of which is the Conan O’Fryin barbecue. HDH, working with sources, has procured genuine swine, Impossible Grass beef, and imaginary chicken (domain and range undefined). Also announced was the Canon O’Brien exhibit and photobooth, to be displayed along the eucalyptus grove. As patrons view the life and times of UCSD’s youngest mascot in 6′ by 66′ lenticular prints, a stereoscopic recording of O’Brien reading “UCSD Confessions” posts will be played through the local talking tree. Stereo will be provided by O’Brien repeating the script from around the corner. Until the exhibit is completed by an unpaid visual arts student, Canon O’Brien movie screenings of Spider-Man: Across the Spider-Versewill take place on Conan O’Brien College Lawn. 

In between the festivities, there is still much planning to be done. A clause in a document labeled “KHOSLAdreamfrommondayFINAL” states that there can be no more than three unnamed colleges at a time. Not to worry, O’Brien said, however, as he “knows some guys.” When the next college premieres as the ninth floor of Geisel, which designers state is “unattached” but will have a “perfectly centered mass” after it is launched “Frisbee-style” from the top of Price Center, the naming committee can bet on a head start.

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