Weather Forecast Now Shows Chances of CEO Assassination

ArticlesNationalNewsPolitics

Written by: Cole Johnson

“Wait, so does ‘20%’ mean 20% coverage of bullet rain, or that there’s a 20% chance of bullet rain?”
asked Fawner.
Photo by Dylan Schmidt

After the assassination of UnitedHealthcare CEO Brian Thompson, Fox News announced that it will begin to display the likelihood that a CEO will be assassinated based on location, weather, and time of day. Suzanna Scott, head of Fox News, has said that this decision was made to “help ensure the safety of our wonderful American business owners, as their well-being is so much more important than the average American due to all the money—I mean—value, they bring to the economy.” While many CEOs, such as Elon Musk, are praising this decision for bringing “much needed security to our most vulnerable class,” many Americans are left wondering how this data will affect their daily lives.

Middle school teacher Michael Beggarly claims that this change was made to “bring unneeded fear” into the general American populace. “I just don’t un- derstand why they are will- ing to broadcast this sort of data, and not other things that affect a way larger percent of the population, like ‘the likelihood of being laid off without notice,’” he said. Despite this, Beggarly’s neighbor, Ryan Fawner, says that this information is “vital to help protect our CEOs from all these terrorists.” Others have expressed concern about how this information is generated, as there is no formal science in predicting CEO assassinations.

Mary Mart, Fox News’ socio-economist, released a video identifying the factors that may lead a person to assassinate a CEO and explaining the associated population data she uses to inform her forecast. The first thing Mart does is to “look for an area with people who were negatively impacted by a big corporation, like places with high cancer rates or pollution.” Mart then looks for any local people who have been “slightly inconvenienced by the loss of their home, job, or loved ones.” The video goes into great detail on why it is important for the American people to “never harm anyone even when those people have taken everything from you purely to add more money to their endless gold pile.” Mart explained that all this information comes from the “lovely” Americans who “willingly donate all this information by using various technological services, like Google or Amazon.”

This video sparked outrage among commenters, who viewed the whole idea of forecasting assassinations as both a “massive invasion of privacy” and as “a way for the rich to justify harming the lower and middle classes.” Despite these views, Fox News has maintained its stance on creating these forecasts, citing the “sudden and massive” demand for the probability that a CEO has to die at any given moment. Furthermore, additional news broadcasters, such as CNN and CBS, have announced that they will also feature similar programs during their weather broadcast, citing similar reasons to Fox News. It is still unknown how these broadcasts will affect future assassination rates.

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