UCSD to Hold Crow-Killing Event for Halloween

“Actually, I’m pretty sure these are ravens,” said ornithologist Richard Roper.
Photo by Dylan Schmidt

This Sunday, Vice Chancellor Alistar Ornth announced that UC San Diego would be holding its inaugural crow-killing event in honor of Halloween. “Not only will we be getting rid of these goddamn crows, but we will also be promoting community and involvement among the Triton family — effectively killing two birds with one stone!” Ornth said. He later elaborated, “That son of a bitch crow knows what he did, and now he has to pay for his crimes!”

Students have reported mixed feelings about the event. Savannah World, co-president of the Green Earth Club, stated, “This is a vicious attack on animals that have done nothing to the community! Sure, there have been prior incidents of stealing food, and there was that one time that a horde of crows terrorized Roots employees and customers for a week, but if the crows have moved on, so should we!” Other students were more supportive. Third-year mathe­matics major Chad Killenger expressed that the event would “settle the bloodlust that keeps seeping into [his] days.”

UCSD Athletics will supply blunt objects such as baseball bats and oars to facilitate the killings, and the first 200 students will receive a free hat commemorating the event. In accordance with UCSD’s commitment to becoming a net-zero emissions campus by 2065, the hats will reportedly be biodegradable.

In collaboration with HDH, the day’s leftover chicken tenders will be spread across Library Walk to lure the crows. “Any orders for chicken tenders will take twice as long as they do now, to ensure that HDH has enough of a stockpile,” said Harrison Burglar, an HDH spokesperson. According to projections by the Center for Student Involvement, the chicken tenders will lead the crows to approximately 500 students waiting with a plethora of weapons. Vice Chancellor Ornth reminded students that, “While homemade weapons are encouraged, students are prohibited from bringing intolerably dangerous and violent weapons such as aerosol paint cans, power cords, masks that conceal the face, and shields.”

Vice Chancellor Ornth stated that he hopes this event will bring about “the end of crows on campus.” He added that following the event, UCSD groundskeepers will refrain from cleaning up any crow carcasses until further notice, in order to deter any future crow migration to UCSD campus. “These dead crows are a sign to any wandering bird to walk on by, buddy,” said Vice Chancellor Ornth. He furthered his point by stating, “I read somewhere that decomposition is good for the soil or whatever?”

Dr. Richard Roper, ornithologist, commented, “The plan is ultimately flawed. The crows are too smart to be tricked by HDH chicken tenders, despite the fact that it is the only good thing on the menu.” He continued, “My prediction for the crow-killing night will be a bunch of students wading through chicken tenders, and no crows.” Vice Chancellor Ornth countered Roper’s statement: “You’re wrong! The chicken tenders are the shit!”