I Haven’t Cried in Over a Decade Because We’ve Been in a Drought


Written by: Chris Zhang

By I. Bawler
Professional Tortoise

I’ve spent my entire life as a God-fearing professional onion chopper, and never in my life have I ever witnessed a drought last longer than my patience until now. Back in the good ol’ days of 2012, when California went into a drought, I first thought it’d end in about a year. However, after two years passed by, I realized this drought was here to stay, like the acres of rice paddies and farmland near my house. I personally think this dry spell was the Devil’s doing, plain and simple.

After much consideration, I decided that I wouldn’t cry and let those precious little drops of water go to waste until this long dry season ends. I figured that this was the most efficient way to save water. I used to wail in the shower daily, and now, I don’t cry at all! If I had started this earlier, who knows how many gallons of water I could have saved! Do you know how many onions my efforts have grown? Too many.

You’re probably thinking, “Surely, something must have made you cry over the years, like all the onions you cut daily,” but I assure you, I’ve lived the last decade without tearing up, just so there’d be more water for the dry, dry state of California. Years upon years of peeling onions has prepared me for my life purpose. I simply don’t make myself emotionally available to my loved ones. Pretty simple, isn’t it? Do you know how many bottles of Dasani water I’ve saved last year by not crying and venting to my friends? Seven. That’s seven bottles of water I didn’t have to drink because I didn’t let myself bawl my eyes out.

If only thousands of other California residents followed in my footsteps, there would be enough water to irrigate one acre of farmland for one day. Together, we can all save enough water to provide less than 1% of our corporate and agricultural overlords’ water usage. I have faith in the multi-million-dollar agricultural companies to utilize the water that I’ve saved up to grow the onions I live for. I know for a fact that these industries never waste a gram of water — no runoff, no pollution, no nothing. We really shouldn’t hold these industries accountable — after all, they’re feeding us! If we get to eat in the end, agricultural water use is always justified and never wasteful. So, the fault lies on the everyday person’s careless water usage — drinking, washing, and worst of all, crying. That’s why the responsibility of water conservation lies in your hands.

I implore you to join me on a state-wide water-saving campaign until California exits this cursed, godforsaken drought. Since I’ve been able to prevent myself from crying and wasting precious little water molecules for more than a decade now, I’ve decided to escalate my water conserving plans: I won’t shower anymore. Call me stinky, nasty, and onion-y, but it’s better for the earth… I think?

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