How to Always Win Your Fantasy Football League

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Written by: Farhad Taraporevala

It’s a tale as old as time. September rolls around and your friends or colleagues invite you to join their fantasy football league. There’s just one problem: you have no clue what you are doing and don’t want to embarrass yourself. So instead of joining everyone else, you exclude yourself from all the fun, just to save face. Well, lucky for you, I’m here to end this pathetic cycle and teach you how to destroy everyone else’s teams, leaving nothing but a wake of crushed souls on your path to claiming that trophy. 

Step one towards domination is the draft. Many different so-called fantasy experts or gurus will try to sell you on their “can’t-lose strategies” with ridiculous names like “zero-rb,” “five-tight-ends,” and “kicker-in-the-first-round,” but all those strategies are utter drivel. None of them can adapt to the other members of your league and their picks. Instead what you will want to do is offer to host the draft at your house and go all out on the food. Chips, dips, pizza, wings, and drinks. Make a feast for the ages. Then, once everyone is drooling over your scrumptious spread, tell them that unless they draft exactly who you tell them to, they don’t get to eat. That way, you can control exactly who your opponents draft, guaranteeing my revolutionary “draft-all-the-best-players” strategy succeeds.

Step two is naming your team. If you can’t inspire fear in your enemy’s hearts with a team name, then you immediately show them that you don’t belong, and the other players in your league will prey on your weakness. Try a witty player-based pun that threatens your rivals in no unclear terms. For example, if you drafted Philadelphia Eagles quarterback Jalen Hurts, you can name your team something like, “If you beat me this week, I’ll Hurts you and your family.” 

Step three is to trash talk relentlessly. Trash talk is at the core of every great winner’s identity. It’s been said that Michael Jordan never stopped talking trash while he played, so much so that he would accidentally spit his gum out several times a game. If you want to match his success, you need to put effort into your trash talk. Get personal, research your opponents’ weak spots — do they have insecurities, an ex-partner, or dead parents? Hire a private investigator to dig up really juicy dirt to throw them off when it comes to game day. When you tell your opponents the exact time and location when they saw their parents for the last time, (at breakfast, yesterday morning) they’ll be too worried about your blackmail to focus on the game.

If you can follow these easy steps, I 100% guarantee that you can win both your fantasy football league and the genuine admiration and respect of your leaguemates. I’ve been using this same strategy for eight years and it has not let me down. Not only have I won every fantasy football league since, all of my so-called friends have started trying to kill me just so they have a chance of winning.

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