“I’ve been searching and searching for a job, but I think I’ve just lost my drive,” said Willow.
Photo by Amit Roth
Citing recent economic troubles, Google has laid off upwards of 10,000 employees, ranging from new hires to senior executives to the 13 trapeze artists, 15 acrobats, 11 body painters, and 27 pyrotechnic specialists that made up Google’s in-house Cirque du Soleil-style troupe, lovingly known by employees as “Search du Googlei.”
Despite the severity of the layoffs, Google insiders claim that “the dark beast of job loss has just begun to awaken,” which has caused mass panic within the Google campus as even longtime employees find themselves at risk of losing their jobs. “My boss stalks around the office with little fireworks that he launches whenever he sees someone slacking off for a second. Anyone hit by one gets a little plastic birthday hat put on their head that says ‘You’re fired,’” said Google employee Tanner T. Tanner.
Not all employees are worried about their jobs. “I think we’re safe,” said Barnaby G. Willis, lead instrumentalist and head chef of the Talkies — Google’s resident new-wave Italo-disco band and pasta bar. “The boss loves the carbonara and our disco rendition of Beethoven’s Fifth. Whenever those overworked coders start to doze, we’re told to turn our shit all the way up and blast up some ‘motivational’ tunes.”
Conditions in the Google offices may be grim, but to many, those who are still working are lucky. “I was told I was a part of a family, an even better family than my real one because it was family forged on the strongest bond there is: employment,” said Daniel Whitehorn, Senior President of Contemplative Feedback and 15-year employee, who only found out he had been let go when his keycard stopped working. “I dedicated my life to this company. Hell, I even named my eldest daughter Google, and look how I’ve been treated. They’re trying to get rid of me the same way my actual family did: by changing the locks when I was out.”
“I got the job at Google and thought, ‘this is it, my future is secure,’ but I guess I should’ve known that nothing at Google is secure,” said Sandra Willow, who was hired as a junior developer just three months ago. “Everyone always said that if I worked hard and was skilled in a necessary field, I would always find work, but it turns out that the most important factor in getting and keeping a job doesn’t have anything to do with me, but the crushing force of the invisible hand.”
In response to these layoffs, Google CEO Cook Tim and the board of directors spoke on a company livestream. “This is a devastating moment for me, personally,” said Tim, with the board of directors nodding and giving sad looks to the camera. “I love hiring people. It’s my favorite part of this job, because when we’re hiring people, the stock price goes up. When I fire people, the stock price goes down, and that makes me very sad. This is the point where I would normally call in Search du Googlei to cheer me up. Alas, I too have had to make sacrifices in these trying times.”