This past week, the Vice Chancellor’s office announced the opening of another construction zone in Revelle Plaza, effectively closing the entire walkway. This announcement came just days after the abrupt shutdown of the 64 Degrees dining hall. Students expressed outrage over the two major losses. “What am I supposed to do now? Eat regular-serve ice cream?!” asked Revelle resident Rockee Road.
In the following days, multiple reports described a “suspiciously two-dimensional” man entering and exiting both restricted areas. Revellians and a few Eighth students said that the man dressed like “a chef with a big mustache,” an outfit which student Connor Crete said was “certainly not OSHA compliant.”
Other eye-witnesses alleged that the man had no pupils, missing legs, and disproportionate body parts. “He looks like that one guy from Coolmath Games. Papa Lewis? Liam? Not sure,” stated Ava Gamer.
Allen Cooper, an amateur private investigator, decided to gather further information by camping out in the two-foot-high shrubs lining the Plaza. “He always waddled in with an Italian song playing behind him,” Cooper claimed. “He always carried a set of construction plans. Something’s fishy, man. Something’s sinister.”
