Is it safe to use a kettle around my child? I’m afraid of exposing them to British culture.
– PROTECTIVE PATTY

Every day we learn more about the ways in which we inadvertently hurt our children. I myself recently set my toddler up with a baby-talk specialist to process the trauma she suffered by exiting my womb on alternating Tuesdays, when the Kepler belt eclipses Sirius, we take shelter in a bunker to hide from potent moon waves, which scientists believe cause Virgo behavior in children younger than 32. I can’t even imagine the generational trauma you’d be inflicting on your child by using a kettle around them. When will we finally free ourselves from the last vestiges of colonialism? If it weren’t for the British, who infamously drafted Scorpios into their military, America would have no ties to colonial atrocities. Please, put a mug in the microwave like everyone else. For the sake of your child, your family, and the United States of America.