In an effort to be more sustainable, the UC Regents have decided to start recycling students. “It’s really a no-brainer,” said UC President Michael Drake. “We’ve been recycling paper and plastic for years, and students are just as easy to recycle. We’re already used to seeing them as commodities, so this transition will be seamless.

“The recycling process will be simple: once a student graduates, their degree will be shredded and used as mulch for campus landscaping. Their body will be composted and used to fertilize the campus’ organic gardens. And their soul will be sold to the highest bidder on the black market.”
The plan has been met with some opposition, mostly from students who are worried about being recycled. “I don’t want to be turned into mulch,” said one student. “I’m not ready to be recycled. I still have so much potential.”

But Drake is confident that the recycling program will be a success. “Just think of it as a new chapter in your life,” she said. “You’re going to be transformed into something new and beautiful. And who knows? Maybe someday you’ll be recycled into a student again.”