“I knew there was a reason we had all those CIA recruiters here,” said one third-year student.
Photo by Millie You

In the wake of ousting Kevin McCarthy as Speaker of the House and instability among the Republican party leadership, concerns have grown nationwide about the possibility of another government shutdown that could last several months. On Monday, UC San Diego Associated Students President Balthasar Brink made an announcement pledging to dedicate the organization’s funding to running the federal government in the event of a shutdown.

Brink stated in his announcement, “Associated Students will be dedicating a bit of our budget to funding the federal government during this time of crisis. While this may be disappointing to some, please know that your money will be used to its fullest potential and will come back to benefit the UCSD community in some way or another. Student organizations are important, I promise. It’s just that, well, why fund student organizations when the government so sorely needs our money? Someone else can stick up for the students.” While he declined to provide more details about the plan, a leaked document containing the updated 2023–2024 AS budget showed that $7,499,987.98 of the organization’s $7.5 million expendable funds had been dedicated to a line item called “BIDEN’S SUGAR MOMMY FUND.” The remaining $12.02 was slated to be evenly split between a large taro milk tea from Tapioca Express and this year’s Sun God Festival, set to feature prominent San Diego fiddler Sneeth Broth and a foot massage booth which will offer its services pro bono.

The federal government is welcoming the much-needed cash with open arms. United States Treasury Secretary Janet Yellen praised the move in a press conference, thanking UCSD for the donation. “Balthasar Brink is a real one,” said Yellen. “This extra cash will give us about five more seconds to operate the government before we go into shutdown. The Coast Guard needs to buy about a hundred military-grade trash can lids for a base in South Dakota. There’s no more honorable place to spend your money than your freedom.” Analysts claim that Yellen was using outdated figures, as due to inflation, the military’s standard Northrop Grumman TCL-8 Laser Guided Receptacle Cover Freedom Edition now costs over $12 million per unit.

Several student organizations expressed their dissatisfaction with the funding cuts, with some shutting down for the rest of the academic year and others turning to more creative ways to raise funds. UCSD’s Society of Undergraduate Math Scholars (SUMS) declared that they would spend their remaining funds on an all-out trip to Las Vegas, where they would employ a “never-before-seen slot machine strategy” in order to raise funding for the foreseeable future. According to SUMS President Cal Kewlaet, “This strategy is completely unbeatable. We’re going to get the penthouse suite and room service every night in order to keep morale up, which will still leave us over $3 to begin with. But, with our 50.00001% return, we would be at almost $4 after just a million games! The math checks out for me.”