Iowa Becomes First Woman-Free State


Written by: Dylan Towner

“How can I be a misogynist when I don’t even miss the women?” asked Governor Mannington.
Photo by Amit Roth

In the six months following the enactment of the Heartbeat Act, Iowa has passed a number of measures further restricting women’s rights. Beginning with the Men’s Club Act, which banned women from holding government jobs that “inflict untold stress upon fetuses,” the policies culminated with a near-unanimous decision by the state senate to ban all women from the state. A press release from the Capitol stated: “Iowa should be a safe space for fetuses, and women are just too great of a threat to that.” Following the vote, the Male’s Independent Republic of Iowa succeeded in becoming “completely woman-free.”

“This is an incredible win in the fight for the rights of the unborn,” said Iowa spokesman Brad Haroldson. “Without women, we won’t have any pregnancies needing termination. We’ve won.”

The mass exodus of women came in the wake of the unilateral abortion bans signed into law by the former governor, Kim Reynolds, who herself became the final woman to leave the state, saying, “The great work has been completed. All hail the men.” Her replacement, Chaz Mannington, conceded, “While my predecessor may be a woman, she did push through legislation against her own personal autonomy and interests, so I guess in that sense, she is one of the good ones.”

The remaining residents of Iowa have reported a slow adjustment to life in a “woman­-free” state. Several thousand men, who had become accustomed to their wives and mothers taking care of them, shared that they were left “confused and dismayed” when they realized that they lacked the knowledge of how to cook their own meals, do their own laundry, or pick up after themselves.

“I always thought that those sorts of things just happened on their own,” said one self-described “alpha male.” “When I came up from Meemaw’s basement to get myself some food, there was always a freshly cooked plate of tenders on the counter and an ice-cold beer next to it. Now, when I come upstairs, there’s nothing! I’m not sure what this all means, but I’m sure wokeness is to blame.”

A group of “alpha males” attempted to lead a series of hunting expeditions to try and obtain their own food “the manly way.” However, after an ill-fated excursion where a group of men tracked a family of raccoons into a Chick-Fil-A parking lot and returned in a catatonic state, these plans were abandoned in favor of ordering DoorDash from across the Illinois border.

Some men are making the best of their new “women-free existences.” One proprietor took over the buildings that had once been Planned Parenthood clinics and opened up a chain of Hobby Lobby stores in their stead. “It seemed only right that I replace these vile homes of devil worship with the Lord’s favorite store,” said owner Markus Lindenson. “It’s too bad my wife left me right before the women up and skedaddled. This would’ve sent her through the roof.”

The former Mrs. Lindenson is reportedly happily married to Governor Mannington’s ex-wife, and the two now live together in Michigan.

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