In a controversial decision last Tuesday, the UC San Diego facilities department announced a plan to convert all the footpaths on campus into scooter-only lanes. Ryder T. Bicycle, the head of the project, explained that there were too many “complexities” with bikes and scooters having to share the same lane, and so “the natural solution would be to create a separate lane reserved for scooter users.” When asked about how this decision would affect pedestrians, Bicycle said, “Who even walks to class anymore?” and rode away on a bright blue bicycle. This decision followed a petition to introduce scooter lanes created by SPISS, Students Promoting the Integration of SPIN Scooters, and signed by 35,821 of the university’s approximately 41,000 students. However, some students doubt the veracity of the signatures. “They absolutely faked it,” said Lillian Boots, the president of SASS, Students Against SPIN Scooters. “There is no way that that many people like those dreadful devices of death!” 

By the start of next year, students can expect to find all pedestrians banned from SPIN Scooter Lanes, with a fine of $4.50 for every step taken into cordoned-off pathways. Some pedestrians have begun swinging from tree to tree with a lasso to avoid using scooters.