San Diego journalist Canderson Hooper has come under fire for bringing snow cones to work instead of writing “mindless drivel” through using snowclones. His boss, Calter Wonkite, explained: “A snowclone is a journalistic cliché and phrasal template that can be recognized in multiple variants. A snow cone, on the other hand, is a bunch of ground-up ice covered in cat piss.”

Hooper defended his actions, saying, “I don’t know what I did wrong … snow cones are the new snowclones! Besides, my snow cones are the mother of all snow cones. I got the recipe from my new cookbook, Everything You Wanted to Know About Snow Cones, but Were Too Afraid to Ask. The trick is it has to be shaved, not stirred.”

Wonkite derided Hooper, stating, “If Inuits have dozens of words for snow, journalists have as many for incompetence, and I’d call Hooper all of them! Snow cones do not a newspaper make.” Pointing to a jug of cat piss on his table, he continued: “This is your brain on snow cones!”

Hooper has since decided to quit his job in search of greener pastures, shouting, “Don’t hate me because I’m cool. Have snow cones, will travel!”