“We just want to set the record str— uh… heterosexual,” said Barack Obama.
Photo by Amit Roth
Last month, President Joseph Robinette Biden Jr. announced the BiPartisan Act (BPA), colloquially known as the “Don’t Say Straight” law, in an Oval Office address. “I am proud of this nation. But I could be more prouder,” he proclaimed. Touted as a triumph against homophobia, Biden proposed a law that aims to tackle discrimination towards LGBTQ+ communities by forbidding the utterance of the word “straight.” He commented, “This act has been in the closet since Bush. This is for the people who take pride in being an American. I swear on my name, I’ll get it Bi-done.”
In a rare display of unity, all branches of the US government and the Catholic Church have shown their unabashed support. “This act is our ace in the hole,” said Congressman Ian Ally. “Making out with the bros was just a wet dream. Homophobia sucks balls. Now, we will too.” In the judicial branch, Supreme Court Justice Justina Court announced, “We are finally taking down the true source of homophobia!” The self-proclaimed most enthusiastic public supporter of the ruling, Pope Francis, declared, “Let there be the spectrum of visible light!”
The BPA declared that at no age is “st instruction” permitted in classrooms. The 2024 Don’t Say Straight Law is enforced by an all-gay US Army Special Forces unit of four master swordsmen known as “We Slash Them.” Depending on the severity of the crime, violators must change their name according to a random name generator, write a dissertation on the “Yaoi/Yuri Paradox,” or expand the labor force of the Vocaloid industry.
The BPA had several unintended effects, the most impactful of which are the reversal of all anti-LGBTQ+ legislation and the spontaneous erasure of several prominent heterosexual figures from history, such as [NAME REDACTED]. Many previously st couples have been pushed to divorce or find subtle ways to express their heterosexuality. Like many formerly heterosexual husbands, Keith Beef found it impossible to separate from his now-lesbian wife, but shared his strategy on his blog. “This was my urethra [sic] moment, because I still feel sexual attraction towards her, but now in a sa- pphic way.” Additionally, Google searches for “s-word pass” and “post-st clarity” have seen new highs.
Dissidents argued that banning the word does little to address the real issues fa- cing marginalized communities and protested by calling in “too st” for work. #StenOut news anchor Cecil Otter said, “It’s blowing men out of the water. Kids will have to grow up without hearing st and not knowing about their heritage!” He has since changed his name to Wallace Sinclair and is reportedly coming out with a novel unearthing “the ‘quadruple flip’ romanticism of two men.” Other points of controversy involve the ban of certain phrases such as “st up” and “go st,” exams and rulers now being required to be curved, and mandating all forms of transportation take squiggly paths instead of direct ones.
Voter turnout for the 2024 presidential election increased to 100.3% overnight, with people lining up at the polls months in advance. News of this major American milestone was celebrated with former President Barack Obama revealing his new celebrity boyfriend. “You probably heard that for Pride month I’m gay now. Joe and I, we’re planning to kick June off right with a whole lot of romance in the White House. I love running my hands through his extremely full hair,” said Obama.
Overall, reception of “Don’t Say Straight” has been overwhelmingly positive, except among geometry teachers.
