Girls With Crystals to Reignite the Salem Witch Trials

Written by: Emily Cronan

“Tarot cards? This is a taro latte,” said one of the “witches.”
Photo by Sharon Roth

Self-proclaimed “witches” are over fire after burning crosses, voodoo dolls, and other Wiccan imagery began popping up across universities. The spooky sightings have created a domino-effect of holistic hysteria across college campuses.

Historians are comparing the happenings to the Salem Witch Trials, which lasted from 1692-1693 but are “eternally in our minds thanks to high school productions of The Crucible,” according to a student from SDSU. “Who doesn’t have fond memories of 25 virgins and drinking a lot of Sprite?”

Cambridge professor and viral TikTok historian Dirk Spirits has spoken about potential causes of the resurgence in witchcraft: “The effects of spooky season and New Age spirituality have been resurrected through the likes of cult films such as Donnie Darko and The Craft, and now that global warming is at an all-time high, people are looking for alternative women to blame and maim.”

Two sophomores from USC known as McKenna and Little Bo Creep gained national coverage over a controversial TikTok where the two women harassed a McDonald’s cashier in an attempt to “remove her from the mortal coil.” Rather than apologize, the two women attempted to “summon Satan in their hatchback convertible,” and were joined by dozens of young women in the drive-thru in accusing the employee of witchcraft. Debra Gaggins, the cashier in question, stated, “The girls began accusing me of devil-worshipping, when I am in fact a very spiritual woman and lifelong member of the Church of Scientology.” The two students then “cleansed” the drive-thru by burning sage and playing the Wicked soundtrack on a Bluetooth speaker.

The resurgence has particularly touched Greek life. Fraternities at a number of universities have begun dressing as Puritans to ward off women on campus who wear winged eyeliner and own tarot cards. Chad McGee, a brother of Elon Kappa Bezos at SDSU, has spoken on this phenomenon. “Girls are scary, and they’re only getting more powerful for all the wrong reasons!” said McGee. “First the right to vote, then the #MeToo movement, and now posting infographics about hating men. My brothers and I are working with sororities to host a trial on Halloween, where the accused will be punished with either the guillotine or a Midsommar reenactment.” This statement has prompted outrage from the College Socialist Party at SDSU, who argue that “the fraternity should face the guillotine themselves, since it is a symbol of class warfare and namely associated with Sofia Coppola’s 2006 film Marie Antoinette.” Others responded with glee, particularly from young women looking to perfect their “Florence Pugh pout.”

Social Psychologist and Etsy shop owner May June has researched the “bippity boppity boom” of witch accusations, calling it the “Harry Potter to Problematic Pipeline.” In an interview, June posited that “with millennials posing as proud Potterheads, Generation Z cannot proudly flaunt their wizard’s scars without Watergate-level backlash. In turn, they have cast their angst onto anyone who will subtweet them.” Spirit Halloween stores and alternative milk aisles have been named as a neutral zone for local “witches” to hold seances, or refill their Hydro Flasks before facing execution.

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