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How to Look and Feel Your Best
Not sure which health fads are legit and which are just fads? Not sure which of these arbitrary rules are actually binding? Our experts teach you how to love and hate yourself, while hating the parts of yourself you love and loving the parts of yourself you hate. You will contain multitudes.
Ask a “Doctor”
Juliette Oliver, M.I.D. (Medical-Inspired Doctor) answers your burning questions.
My period has been a lot more painful than usual. Should I be worried?
There’s nothing that a hot pack won’t fix! I also recommend Anthropologie’s Sea Breeze Cinnamon Oat Milk Vaginal Oil (complete with rose quartz and opal bottle) to recenter yourself with the moon’s phases and, of course, to make sure you smell and feel your absolute best during the hot, putrid season of Satan!
I have really bad acne, but all the acne creams are soooo expensive. Got any skincare tips for girlies on a budget?
Most traditional dermatologists will prescribe you these fancy, expensive treatments, like Accutane or benzoyl peroxide — but as a self-taught, Twitter-verified dermatologist, I send my patients straight to Home Depot. Big Skincare doesn’t want you to know this, but all Home Depot employees are trained to mix paint to perfectly match your foundation color! I personally recommend my patients use BEHR’s interior semi-gloss paint and primer for that freshly baptized look. With just one coat, your skin texture will go from looking like the popcorn ceiling of a 1970s family home to the buttery smooth walls of an IKEA showroom. If you develop a rash after the first application, simply paint more layers onto your face until the rash is no longer visible.
My husband says my body doesn’t excite him anymore. What’s wrong with me?
I’m sorry to hear that, queen. First, let’s begin with some affirmations: You’re valid. Yass. The world loves you. I love you. Yass again. Now that that’s done, it’s time to do some introspection. Do you love yourself? Are you willing to put in the work? Do you want your husband to love you again, just like he used to in the high school bathrooms between third and fourth period? Do you want to feel that rush ever again? If you answered “yes” to any of those questions, it’s time for you to get your body back.
First off, you need to get on the right diet. Treat your body with the love you deserve; consider my signature 500-for-500 diet, which restricts your caloric intake to 500 calories per day, all at the cheap price of $500/month!
Secondly, you need to fix your stench. No man will want you if you smell like menstruation. Use scented pads, essential oils, and floral exfoliating soaps once a day while on your period to get rid of that smell. With enough work — and a nominal fee — you’ll be able to recover your prepubescent body and rekindle the love you lost.
P.S. You don’t need a man 🙂
How do you fix severe lethargy? I can barely get up these days.
Oh, but you’re so hot.
You’ll Never Be Good Enough!
By Bethany-Lynn Williams-Sonoma
Pilates Instructor and Licensed Energologist
I often reminisce over my youth. As embarrassed as I am to say it, I was a theater kid back in the day. I loved putting on ridiculous costumes and spending late nights at Denny’s after shows. Even though I left that version of me behind (along with my skinny jeans and my dark, filled-in eyebrows), I truly believe that the world is a stage — and I am here to werk it.
As I approach 24, I wanted to share some wisdom I’ve learned along the way. I know my time in the sun as a young person is over, and I want to help you hold on to that glimmer of youth for as long as you can. Sometimes chasing the appearance of youthfulness can feel downright Sisyphean, but that doesn’t mean it can’t be fun. Just imagine Sisyphus happy! But without smile lines, obviously. Or frown lines. Anyway, here are some tips:
- Don’t overthink it
I live a mindfully minimalistic lifestyle, meaning I strive to think as little as possible. Subscription services are the way to go! That way you don’t need to think about any of the products you buy. Watch your bank account balance slowly decrease while you ascend further into a state of blissful nonexistence with each package delivered to your door.
Also, I try to optimize my life in every way that I can. In addition to a weekly meal kit and a skincare subscription box, I have my Amazon Prime account configured to automatically purchase every product a TikToker recommends. That way I make sure my dollar can get the most out of each trend before it starts to fade.
- It’s all about preventative care
Life is all about playing the long game. UV light seriously damages your skin, so it is imperative that you stay out of the sun and never go outside in the daytime. I also highly recommend avoiding laughter so you don’t get those weird wrinkles. Oh, and don’t eat bread, or drink a warm cup of coffee in the morning, or listen to music with earbuds, or take pleasure in any part of your life. That way, when you’re old like me, you can look marginally less old. It’s so worth it!
- It’s okay to supplement
Sometimes the easiest way to keep up with food fads is supplements, and that is okay! Personally, I love taking collagen. It makes my bones so shiny! Of course, my bones are not visible, but it is important to me that they are shiny on the off chance someone happens to see them. Like, what if I’m getting a surgery, but it turns out that my bones are not pretty? What if, even for an instant, I am not perceived as attractive? Would I just cease to exist? Would this all be for nothing? I mean, what else have I been working for? I wanted to love my entire being right to my core, but I just ended up with shiny bones. And shiny skin and hair! I love collagen. Fish is a great source of collagen. If the normal supplements are too expensive, sardines from a tin work great as under-eye patches!
By following these three easy tips, you can make sure your time, energy, and money are going towards important things like maintaining your attractiveness and wrinkle-free face. Throwing joy out the window in favor of glass skin and glowing cheeks will make room in your life for more exploitable insecurities. And don’t forget to follow me on Instagram! I’m doing a preventative botox giveaway next week that you don’t want to miss.
The Broke Girl’s Guide to Loving Yourself and Hating Your Face
By Cystica C’ne
Do you ever look at a newborn baby, prepubescent child, or perfectly filtered TikToker and think, “Girl, I wish I could rip off your poreless, ageless, gorgeous skin and sew it on my face?” You’re not alone. Human faces are as repulsive as human feces — but only if you don’t know how to love yourself by buying the latest skincare products!
You might be thinking “What? My face is gross? But I love myself, so that shouldn’t matter!” Girl, your skin is narsty — like a fart after a charcuterie board — but don’t fret. As our lord and savior Taylor Swift (our blessings upon the Holy Trinity: James, Inez, and Betty), once said, “You need to calm down.” Stress pimples will only make it worse. It’s perfectly valid (and encouraged!) to accept your flaws while simultaneously despising every feature of your face. It’s also easy, and I’ll teach you the best ways to spend your money fixing it!
K, so, the first step to success is to meditate on your self worth and affirm your inner beauty before watching enough Instagram Reels thirst traps to systematically take down your self esteem. The next step is to medicate your face! As my actual literal best friend Selena Gomez (fuck Hailey Bieber for reals. I know they made up but STILL) once said, “When you’re ready come and get it / Na-na-na-na.” As Miss Gomez was referring to 10 years ago, sodium (symbol: Na, vibes: immaculate) is the hot new skincare secret that will rejuvenate and revitalize your deepest pores. We’re ready now, Selena! Try our new favorite The SQUIDINKEY List Seawater Salt Bomb Microplastic Snail Scrub ($187 for 0.25 oz at Ulta Beauty) to fill up the Mariana Trench forming on your ugly mug.
P.S., This is new, up-to-date info, bb. We updated this article two minutes ago to add new products to promote and delete obsolete, off-trend, odious, offensive, outdated oldies, just for you.
Be careful not to love yourself too publicly this summer, though. While it’s okay to post the occasional body positive TikTok, it’s never okay to genuinely like your face, body, or soul until you gain validation from your loyal followers. As my childhood hero and adulthood enemy Lana Del Rey (she hasn’t accepted my Insta follow request yet but I feel like she will like, really, really soon) once said, “ … in the summer / Don’t be a bummer, babe.” Bragging about how much you love yourself isn’t going to do you any favors, bestie. Instead, practice discreetly calling yourself humble, plain, and “not like other girls” at any casual brunch, kickback, or brand-sponsored cruise to Cabo you’re invited to. Psst! Don’t forget your Beauty of Shiseido UltraUV SPF 5 White Cast Sunscreen ($214 for 0.2 oz at Sephora)!
And for all my melatonin-skinned girlies, don’t worry! You’re never an afterthought. Take pride in the darkness of your skin tone by purchasing the Glossier hydrochloric acid, MSG-free, skin-lightening Lightning-Fast Face Bleach ($128 for 0.3 oz at Amazon — what a steal)!
Disclaimer: None of the products mentioned are cleared for use on skin tones darker than Light Tan. Stay safe babes! #spon