“He walked by the cop and the cop didn’t arrest him,” said local man Hale Mather. “Defund the police.”
Photo by Amit Roth
Recently, a wave of panic erupted in San Diego when Jared Goodman, who had been imprisoned for stealing a bag of Skittles, escaped from prison by completing his sentence. “The guards went out of their way to escort him from the premises,” said warden Anton Magellan. “It was the easiest prison break I’d ever seen.”
Parents constituted the majority of the demographics concerned about his escape. Mackenzie Jackson, mother of three, said, “Yeah, the ex-con? I’ve been using him to scare the kids into eating vegetables. Wait, wasn’t he jailed for stealing candy? It’s almost Halloween. Am I the only one who sees a problem here?” Her husband Michael expressed similar concerns. “Protect the children,” he said. “We need to protect our children and our candy from this threat.” He refused to elaborate on the threat in question.
Goodman, however, has expressed optimism about his life out of prison. “This is my chance for a fresh start,” he said. “I made a mistake, and it cost me time I can never get back.” Despite his initial belief, post-carceral life has not worked out as Goodman expected. “I’m trying my best to get a job, but it’s hard with my criminal record,” he said. “I keep getting called a prison escapee — which I guess I am, but then they compare me to folks like Ted Bundy.”
Since his release, Goodman has been rejected from 87 of the 87 jobs he applied for. Eighty-two of those applications were automatically filtered out when Goodman disclosed his criminal record. The remaining five applications were reportedly accepted, then promptly rescinded after a background check. One interviewer at the cardboard box manufacturer Hypo-Crates said, “Oh, the ex-con? He seemed passionate and hard working. Honest, too. But after we found out about his record, I had no choice but to turn him down. There’s no way I’m giving anyone my Skittles. Besides, there’s a gap in his résumé during his time in prison — my instincts are telling me that’s a huge red flag.”
Human resources manager Paranolia Simpson commented on the company’s hiring process: “Hypo-Crates is committed to our Equal Opportunity Employment policy. Every applicant with a clean record, regardless of their race, ethnicity, or gender, has an equal opportunity of being hired. Of course, this obviously doesn’t include ex-offenders like Mr. Goodman, who unfortunately have a very, very, very low chance of being considered.”
Goodman’s local neighborhood watch has also resolved to stay extra vigilant. “Who, the ex-con? I see him all the time mowing his lawn or playing basketball in his front yard,” said Wayne Bruce, who is on duty every weekend. “He does it with bad vibes, though — he’s definitely up to something. I’m afraid he’ll invite the wrong crowd into our neighborhood, but don’t worry. I want everyone to know that I’m a great detective and that I’ll do everything in my power to keep your Skittles safe.” Soon afterwards, Bruce donned a mask and cape before taking off in a Honda Accord he called the “Bruce-mobile.”
Bruce is the founder of a local group he dubbed the Super Top-shelf Impressive Guardians of Maple Avenue (STIGMA), which he says aims to “help our neighbors keep a safe distance away from the ex-con.” When asked about his thoughts on this organization, Goodman replied, “I understand that I’ve lost their trust, but that doesn’t stop me from feeling isolated from former friends and family.” Goodman added, “My recent experiences have taught me about systemic biases that bar others with criminal records from reintegration, and I’m hoping to change that… is what I would say if I was allowed to vote.”
