“I wondered why my laptop wasn’t charging,” said one student. “Turns out they arrested my plug.”
Photo by Amit Roth and Julia Wong

UC San Diego Chancellor Pradeep Khosla has announced that Ninth College will double as the UC Police Department’s new state-of-the-art training facility for officers from all over the UC system. The new college’s motto will be “The Letter of the Law,” with general education requirements such as MGT 157: Strikebreaking, CSE 177: Timely Warning Announcements, and TDGE 42: A Study of Brooklyn Nine-Nine. After complaints about police ineffectiveness across the country, UC President Michael Drake announced that the new facility will “bring policing into the modern age, ensuring that no party will ever happen on any UC campus again.”

Due to limited room on campus for housing, Ninth College will be built on Black’s Beach. In response, protests broke out on the beach in an effort named “Stop Cop College.” Khosla responded, saying that the new college being built on the beach is a “common misconception.” “Ninth College won’t be built on Black’s Beach, as Black’s Beach no longer exists. Instead, the new facilities will be built on land that is no longer a beach because it has been cleared of sand.” Khosla also announced that any students participating in protests will have to retake their college’s writing sequence as punishment. Additionally, any students who “bravely report” their peers for protesting will have their class registration times moved earlier.

Despite the overwhelmingly negative reception for Ninth College, some students have been supportive. “I’m not in Ninth,” said Sixth College student Bill Logy, “but I go there a lot because they have the best and cheapest dining halls. I’ve had a few friends who’ve gotten tickets there for walking in the bike lanes or for trying to domesticate the raccoons, but I’m willing to take that risk. My wallet can’t take another $15 poke bowl from Makai.”

In light of budget cuts and increased enrollment, funding for many student services has decreased. Meanwhile, UCPD’s budget has increased, and students are starting to take notice. “It’s just not fair,” said student Stu Dhentte. “I wanted to see a CAPS counselor, but their phone number didn’t work. Their website said that CAPS had been absorbed by UCPD, so if I want to see a therapist I would have to call 911. When I called them, they told me I was crazy and that I was lying about my experience, and then they hung up
on me.”

Sophomore Sophie Moore reported a similar experience when trying to troubleshoot an issue with Wi-Fi in her dorm room. “I went to the ResNet help website and it said to call the police. But when UCPD came to fix my problem, they kicked down my unlocked door and stomped on the floor a bunch, then wrote me and my roommates up for violating quiet hours — even though it was 3 p.m. and they’re the ones that made the noise! My roommates were really upset because they weren’t
even home, and our Wi-Fi still doesn’t work.”

In light of the backlash, Khosla proposed an initiative dubbed the ​​Proactive Police Enforcement (PPE). “PPE will allow us to replace student RAs with members of UC’s finest. Living among the students will allow officers to really get to know the communities they are responsible for and will make it easier for us as a school to put an end to any suspicious activities on campus before they even begin!”