How can I politely inform my daughter that she will go to Hell for putting ketchup on spaghetti?
– DISAPPOINTED DEIRDRA

A spicy nine-layered dip is an excellent way to break hard news to a loved one, and respectable enough to bring to any gathering, but not exciting enough to inflate your daughter’s sense of self-worth. As she eats through the nine layers, each liberally infused with Elijah’s Xtreme Ghost Pepper Hot Sauce, her mouth will preview the nine circles of Hell she’ll experience if she continues to desecrate a classic dish with unholy condiments. God willing, when she atones for her sins, your daughter will scratch the roof of her mouth with a chip as a reminder of her sacrilege. The symbolism speaks for itself, and lets you layer on as much passiveaggressiveness as she deserves. Maybe bring a jar of marinara, too.