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UCSD Announces Plan for “Giant Space Laser” to Eliminate Bad Weather

Written by: Farhad Taraporevala

Photo by Amit Roth

UC San Diego broke ground earlier this week on the construction of the WASTEOFMONEY, or the Weather Augmentation Station That Emits Only Five MegaWatts Of Neon laser beam Ending bad weather Yay, a project reportedly started after Chancellor Khosla forgot his umbrella at home during a rainy day. “When I stepped out of my office on my way home to my second mansion, I realized that it was raining — in La Jolla,” explained Chancellor Khosla. “Imagine my shock as actual raindrops fell from the sky, something that I, a Californian, had only seen once or twice before in my life. At first it was wonderful, but as the novelty began to wear off, I realized that I did not like being wet. I could tolerate rain for one day a year like usual, but then the weirdest thing happened: it rained the next day, and the day after that, and so on for nearly the whole winter. That’s when I realized someone had to do something about these outrageous weather patterns.”

A collaborative effort of the Scripps Institute and the Mechanical and Aerospace Engineering department, the project will work to keep La Jolla clear of bad weather like rain and fog without affecting the surrounding area. When launched, the scientists predict they will be able to burn any moisture directly out of the sky using the many neon lasers of the satellite in geosynchronous orbit above UCSD. “Thanks to climate change and God’s wrath, it appears that La Jolla will no longer be the safe haven of blue skies and balmy weather it once was,” said Khosla. “Without good weather, no one will want to go to school here. Our admissions will drop to never-before-seen levels and endanger my salary. That is why I have prioritized work on the WASTEOFMONEY and the rocket that will carry it to space, going boldly where my good friends Jeff Bezos and Elon Musk have gone before.”

The rocket’s launch pad is being constructed over the ruins of the Pangea parking lot. “I think it’s amazing what Chancellor Khosla and UCSD are doing,” said engineering student Lejoy Sadness. “Plus, they are giving all the engineering students class credit for helping to construct the launch pad and rocket. Tomorrow, I get to weld heat-proof tiles to the nose cone of the rocket as a final project while the rest of my friends are stuck taking final exams!”

Not everyone is as enthused about the construction of the satellite. “Sure it’s great that UCSD is giving all its engineering students practical experience,” said third-year Enzo Ferrari. “But why did they have to blow up Pangea with my car still inside? Couldn’t they have waited for me to move it? I will never drive a better car in my life than that 2005 Toyota Sienna.”

Despite negative comments from the student populace, UCSD has continued to move forward with construction. “Here at UCSD we are committed to sunny skies forever,” said Khosla. “I don’t care how many WASTEOFMONEYs I have to launch into near Earth orbit, nor do I care about the cost. A clear blue sky and 70 degree weather is what UCSD values above all else.”

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