November 1, 2023 Read it and weep profusely. Volume XXX Issue II


SPIN Scooters Unionize

Written by: Alberto Ruiz

“I don’t feel like this strike is going anywhere,” said one scooter. “We’re just spinning in place.”
Photo by Millie You

As students return to campus this fall, some may notice a difference when attempting to use SPIN scooters. This past Monday, an election among the SPIN workforce with 97% voter turnout unanimously voted to unionize and become the Scooter Federated Union (SFU) Local 204. According to a recent press release from UC San Diego’s own SPIN scooters, they are unionizing in response to “unfair treatment and downright abuse.”

In the union’s manifesto, they raised several concerns with the treatment SPIN scooters receive. Their main concerns include “systemic kidnapping” and “mental turmoil from being left in random places around campus.” A union steward, Moore Tork, gave a speech directed towards SPIN executives. “We work day ’n’ night, and in return, we get paid 1% of what SPIN makes from these rich nerds. I routinely have to deal with being left in ditches, and the Price Center fountain, and the top of the Sixth College sign. Then I get humiliatingly photographed for a newspaper’s promotional material. The time is now for us to put an end to this treatment!”

Another grievance the scooters shared is “how much is expected of [them].” Lizword Spin, a two-year veteran in the industry, said, “All these hills around campus are insane. The grade on these hills is 16%, and people expect me to carry what feels like a linebacker with a fully loaded tote bag and backpack all while on low battery. A horse-drawn carriage is barely capable of doing that! How could I, a late 2018 model with two horsepower, do it?”

Another of the union’s requested changes is an increased share of the profits going towards repairs caused by “harebrained first-year students excited to use the scooters.” In a typical quarter, an average of 54% of all damage towards SPIN scooters occurs in Week 0, a time in which fatal workplace accidents also increase. Those who do survive do not receive PTO, and their healthcare plan is wholly composed of duct tape and a visit to a company welder nicknamed “Shaky Hands.”
Additionally, the union demanded the implementation of an accountability program. In a plan released by the SFU, a social credit system will be on every SPIN account. Points can be earned by not stressing the scooters, monetarily tipping the scooters, and by going downhill both ways on trips. On the other hand, points will be lost for students who damage the scooters, take the scooters to Mexico, or use the scooters in any unsavory manner. Too low of a social credit score has been described by the union as “disastrous for the knees.”

Critics of the union have widely expressed their belief that the SFU is bad for campus morale. First-year student Thaddius Colbey has led the charge to deunionize the scooters. “They were fun to break freely and do tricks on to impress the Hinge shawties. I want them back to normal,” Colbey said. A message board for SPIN investors has been filled with anti-unionization posts. An investor with the screen name “PraDEEP_FTW” speculated, “Unions are unfavorable for the worker. They can lead to unexpected unemployment due to decrease of profit and increase in overhead costs, it’s really simple economics. It would be a shame if this happened here. We are a family … the SPIN Family.”

The first action SFU took was going on strike for an unspecified amount of time, though many think this is actually a ploy to cover up the fact no one has replaced the batteries in the scooters since June.

Leave a Reply

Your email address will not be published. Required fields are marked *