No, I Won’t Close My Tabs, They All Have Really Important Stuff on Them


Written by: Pranav Reddy

By T. Abby Richard
Tab Connoisseur

You will never get me to close my tabs. Every single one of them has vitally important content. What if I need to reference the WikiHow page for drying gym shorts in a microwave? What would I do then? Google it, like some idiot? Absolutely not. These tabs are the Swiss Army Knife of my computer. You can have your “efficiency” and “lack of attachment issues.” I’ll take the sheer utility of knowing exactly where I can find a full PDF copy of Fyodor Dostoevsky’s classic 19th-century novel The Brothers Karamazov in Tagalog for free.

I remember when I was a young man, newly emerged from the crucible of childhood. Like a little infant, I was helpless, and did the only sensible thing: I began browsing. I signed up for an email account, and earned my first tab. That very first tab has always stuck with me. Unfortunately, I forgot the password some time later. Now I can’t close the tab or I’ll never be able to read emails from all these poor women who lack clothing, and my pen pal Ade, the Nigerian prince I helped all those years ago.

I have since expanded my horizons. A lot of these tabs are from that one tough math class I took, “Introduction to Arithmetic.” I can’t forget about the hundreds of tabs dedicated solely to StackOverflow answers on how to print a string but without the capital letters. Or those times I had to look up the differences between MLA and Chicago style. If not for these tabs, I wouldn’t know that the main difference is that annoying nerds like MLA and slightly less annoying nerds like Chicago.

So yes, it is a ridiculous idea for me to even think of closing my tabs. They are little artifacts of my life. I have tabs from that period when I was really into DIY room decor, so I can always reference “How to Make Your Own Wallpaper.” I still have a page where I can view my ex-girlfriend’s private Instagram account. No, it is not creepy. I’m just looking. She doesn’t even know. And closing it at this point would be weirder, probably.

Yes, there may be some downsides to my philosophy. Yes, my computer does occasionally roar with the force of a small jet engine. Yes, my neighbors have filed noise complaints. The excess heat from my laptop has left burn marks on my thighs. But these minor inconveniences are worth the reward. The feeling of warmth, of comfort, of never letting go. I welcome the sweet decadence of the internet into my life. I have at least eight different tabs simultaneously playing music. I do not know where they are. Yet, somehow, the melody resonates through this eclectic cacophony. I am at one with my tabs. They will never be closed. And honestly, at this point, the tabs are too small for me to find the little ‘x’ button. I couldn’t close them if I wanted to.

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