Jade Coniglio
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- Dining Hall Drinks Require Biometric Scans
- ICE Sets Sights on Canadians
- Muir Introduces School of Life, MQ Office to Be Removed
- Mind Control Made ‘Believable’
- Philippine Political Dynasty Declares Trump ‘Woke’
- Legislator Campaigns for ‘Trump Love’
- Business Department Mandates Monopoly for Course Credit
- Academy Awards Voting Body Revealed to Be ‘Four White Men’
- American Dream Deported
- Open Season Declared On Seals
- Forks on Roads Increase Traffic
- Google Debuts Uneditable Spellchecker for Names
- Yellowface Returns to Hollywood
- Bathroom Partitions Unite Partisan Politics
- UCSD to Replace Methane Burning Power Plant with Coal
- The Students v. UC San Diego
- My Boss Killed Me in a Past Life – Here’s How I’m Leveraging That in My Career
- Raccoons to Exterminate Pitcher Plants that Exterminate Raccoons
- AI-Run X Accounts Devalue Words, Pictures Now Worth 2000
- Traffic Laws Apply to Scooters Too vs. Huh? I Can’t Hear You Through My AirPods
- Top Ten Gentle Parenting Techniques
- Top Ten Things to Do In The Gym
- ‘Great Frog’ Spawns ‘Mist-erious’ Community Among Literature Students
- UCSD Mandates ‘Severance Procedure’ for All Students
- Luka Dončić Finds Love on First Date with Lebron James
- Top Ten Strange But True Facts
- Help! My Roommate was Wounded by a Strange Creature! vs. There Is No Strange Creature
- Running the Numbers
- The MQ’s Self-Help Book
- The MQ’s Laboratory
- Early Spring Horoscopes
- State to Become Church
- Mexico Renames Mall of America
- Democrats Deny Existence of Trump
- It’s Really Hard Being The Little Stinker of American Law
- Wait, You Guys Already Had Your Enrollment Times?
- Spreading Hate: A Rapidly Growing Alternative to Employment
- American Government Claims Big Stick Is Just An Olive Branch
- UC San Diego Office For Students With Disabilities Under Oversight
- PETA Breaks into Scripps Institute of Oceanography
- Money Talks
- Researchers Implant First Entirely Artificial Personality
- HDH Replaces Dryers with Pizza Ovens
- UCSD Reports First Cases of Dancing Plague Since 1518
- CEO Says, ‘Let Them Eat Claims’
- Revelle College to Introduce Epistemology Requirement
- Poetry Slam Gets Physical
- Mandeville Gallery Starts Sending Art from the Future
- UCSD Students Warned of Glue Incident
- 5G Towers Found to Spread Cell Service
- Give Up
- Cut-Out Valentines (BONUS!)
- Elon Musk Takes Place as First Gentleman
- Dating My Campus Crush Went Wrong?
- Top Ten Ways To Confess Your Love
- Geekvape Launches Pacifiers
- UCSD Acquires Trolley for Student Housing
- I’ll Never Find Love and Neither Will You vs. I’ve Already Found Love but You Just Can’t Meet Her Cuz She Lives in Canada
- Top Ten Super Bowl Traditions
- ‘Hot Debate’ Engulfs National Collegiate Curling Scene
- Student Spends ‘Lost Week’ Resting
- Top Ten Things to Look Forward to During Trump’s Second Term
- Anti-Vaxxers Reinvent Vaccines
- AI-based Boba Shop, ‘Cha GPTea,’ Starts Using Coffee Instead
- STOP Polluting Our Children’s Minds! vs. Hey, I Love That Show!
- Top Ten Things to Leave In 2024
- Ridge Walk Introduces FasTrak Lane
- Weather Forecast Now Shows Chances of CEO Assassination
- Donald Trump Steps Down to Become Whale Psychiatrist
- NFL Declares Hundred-Year Study on Chronic Traumatic Encephalopathy
- The Splendiferous Positron
- The MQ’s Bachelorette Party
- Little Chats With Melvin McQuerey
- The MQ’s Energy Drink
- The MQ’s Dating Classified
- Cut-Out Valentines
- Elon Musk Found Alive
- Movies To Be Bad Forever
- Gen Z Trends Towards Puritanism
- Matt Gaetz takes Sabbatical
- Jacobs School of Engineering Now ‘School of Bioengineering’
- Zombie Apocalypse Bankrupts Funeral Industry
- UCSD to Require New Sunset Enjoyment Class
- SSA Declares Nobody Disabled
- TSA Agent Fired for Being ‘Too Nice’
- Santa’s Reindeer Hunted as Trophies, Christmas Cancelled
- Jake Paul Challenges Hospice Residents to Next Fight
- Gov. Newsom to Screen Homeless Population from Public View
- Sleeper Agent Refuses to Wake Up
- HDH Debuts Caffeinated Breakfasts
- The MQ’s Black Friday Plan
- UCSD’s All-New Streaming Service, TritonLink+
- Susan Bagel: Eggs
- The MQ’s Stuart Art Collection Piece
- Celebrity Blind Items
- If I’m Failing, I’m Gonna be Hot
- Hobby Lobby Remodels to Form Pyramid Scheme
- Daylight Finally Saved: “We Can Stop Now”
- Top Ten Ways to Catch Santa in the Act
- AWP ‘Diversity Filter’ Working as Intended
- What Are You Gonna Do? Not Use It?
- Top Ten Ways to Get Rich Quick
- Santa Claus Declared Enemy of State
- Medical School Applications to Now Require Credit Score
- What’s the Point of Going to Lecture Anyhow? vs. Do Not Cite the Medieval Texts to Me Unless It’s in MLA
- UCSD Abolishes Thanksgiving Break
- Grocery Stores Now Stocking Organic, Free-Range Bottled Water
- No, Just Because You Uppercut Me Does Not Mean You’re ‘Punching Up’
- Top Ten Things They Don’t Teach You in Drivers Ed
- Local Police to Enact New Recruitment Strategy
- Microsoft Introduces Windows Remote Defender
- My ‘Winter Alpha Arc’ Was Found to Just Be Depression
- Top Ten Hottest Christmas Gifts this Year
- Literature Major Mistakes Sign for Signified
- A Call to Pirates and Landlubbers Alike
- Top Ten Things to Be Thankful For
- UCSD Announces Inter-College Competition
- UCSD Unveils New Noise Regulations
- Horoscopes – October 2024
- The MQ’s Water Bottle
- Dear Emily Queue: Family-Free Thanksgiving Edition
- Legal BAC Raised For Election Night
- Moldy Lunchly Packages Become Collector’s Items
- Handshake Debuts Venture
- Muir ResLife Instructs Students to Defecate in HDH-Provided Trash Bins
- UCSD to Replace Inner Loop and Outer Loop With Two Train Lines
- Oxford Comma Reintroduced to UCSD Ecosystem
- Professor Passes Illness to Students, Demands Classes Continue
- UC Regents Approves UCPD Request for 1,000 Rubber Ducks
- UCSD Dining Halls To Become Allergy-Hostile
- BTS Member Declared Missing In Action; Reunion Delayed
- Marshall Student Gets ‘Just OK’ Haircut
- Ohio Does NOT Claim JD Vance
- Top Ten Time Management Tips
- Top Ten Reasons You Deserve a Little Treat
- Separated Couple Fights Over Divorce Attorney
- This School Puts Us in Boxes
- There Is No Ethical Investing vs. Suck My Penis-Shaped NFT
- UCSD to Hold Crow-Killing Event for Halloween
- Boeing ‘Nearly Fucked’
- I Killed Journalism
- Police Forbid Hunting and Gathering in Wake of Hurricane
- Geisel Library Hours Cut to 27 Minutes Per Week
- I Walked from Warren to Muir and Ended up in Tijuana
- Top Ten Thanksgiving Dinner Conversation Topics
- Convict Escapes from Prison by Completing Sentence
- It’s Paranormal, Not Parasocial
- Top Ten Reasons to Skip Lecture
- UCSD Student Uses School Health Insurance
- Birch Aquarium to Partner with HDH to Recoup Losses During Renovation
- The Internet Has Made Me a Better Person
- Top Ten Easy Halloween Costumes
- Marines Vow to ‘Do Better,’ Apologize to San Diego Community
- UCSD To Be Sold to Satan
- Unlawful Assembly in Lego Store
- California Splits Into Two States Vertically
- The MQ Plans a School Dance
- McDonald’s E. Coli Outbreak
- MWE Presents: The World Currently Championship Title
- Executive Committee Prepares for Start of Quarter Dance-off
- Hell to Now Feature Ads
- Wealthy Children Scared of ‘Middle Class Monster’
- Hospitality to be Dissolved Following HDH Merger
- Diamondbacks Backer Backs Train
- Sports Fan Hits Record Setting Parlay
- Local Father Disowned by Family After Cabbage Obsession Takes Hold
- Back To School Coupons
- Cure for Cancer Discovered, Deemed ‘Unprofitable’
- Which Major Should You Choose?
- Scripps Institute of Oceanography to Annex Surrounding Beach Homes
- Little Chats With Melvin McQuerey
- Following Ecological Destruction, Fisherman Fishes for Compliments
- NEXT!
- Toxic Workplace Environments Perfect for Crop Growth
- Meow Tools
- Sunshine Market Maximizes Convenience by Abolishing the Illusion of Choice
- Top Ten Ways This School Year Will Be Different from Last Year
- ‘The Astronauts Are Fine,’ Says Boeing
- Satan Attracts America With ‘Eternal Suffering Healthcare Plan’
- I NEED the Library to Be Open 24/7 vs. Who Actually Needs 24 Hours to Study Anyway?
- Trump Solves Twelfth Major Crisis of the Week
- Screw All of You: A Manifesto
- Top Ten Reasons Your Professors Hate You
- UCSD to Acquire UTC
- Art Scheme Exposed After ‘Silliest’ Turn of Events
- Top Ten Tips for UCSD Freshmen
- Scientists Discover Where the Time Goes
- SDPD Union Asks Public to ‘Stop Being Mean’
- The MQs Course Syllabus
- The MQ Designs Ninth College
- God busy with other side projects these days
- Mark Robinson shocked to find out he is not a pedophile
- Median Voter Found
- UC Regents Bans Students from Campuses
- UCSD to Ban Witch Trials
- Congress Passes Bill Banning Women from Aging
- I Bet I Could Do Olympic Gymnastics if I Really, Really Wanted To
- US To Be Joined by the UK in Celebrating Independence Day
- UCSD Student Discovers Arts Majors
- Peaceful Protest Declared Unlawful
- Tesla Develops 10-Horsepower Horse
- Race Tightens for Annual Vanity Giving Contest
- Dave Chappelle Sprains Elbow Punching Down
- UC San Diego School of Medicine to Teach ‘Intro to Victim Blaming’
- Former Child Star Explores Career Opportunities
- Biden Campaign Pledges to Double Efforts to Alienate Young Voters
- President Biden Declares Himself in ‘Perfect Shape’
- UCSD Purchases Fleet of Invisible Buses
- Mysterious Chef Seen in Revelle Construction Zone
- Congress Comes Out with ‘Don’t Say Straight’ Bill
- HDH Changes Menu Following FDA Crackdown
- I Must Return to the Real World
- Top Ten Ways to Become Humble
- The MQ’s Cat Boutique
- DEA Updates Official Classification of Marijuana: ‘It’s Just a Plant, Bro’
- I Can’t Believe It’s My Last Hot Girl Summer vs Thou Shalt Have No Harvest
- Top Ten Similarities Between Graduating and Being Born
- Students Found to Use Pythagorean Theorem Daily
- UCLA Invites Dick Cheney for Commencement Speech
- Tennessee Students to Start Concealed Carrying
- Students to Graduate
- AXE Body Spray Is Vile vs As an Alpha Male, AXE Body Spray Is My Life
- Top Ten Moving Tips
- Family of Four Moves Next to Bomb Factory, Surprised by Frequent Explosions
- ‘Exceptionally Joyous’ American Makes US Happiest Country in the World
- Horoscopes – May 2024
- Susan Bagel: Asparagus
- Top Ten Activities in Hamster Heaven
- UCSD Construction Cranes Named New Official Mascot
- Anyone Who Has Ever Had a Drop of Alcohol Is Going Straight to Hell vs It’s Not Alcoholism if You’re in College
- I Haven’t Cried in Over a Decade Because We’ve Been in a Drought
- God is a Khosla
- Fallen
- Taylor Swift Overcomes Cult of Personality and Industry Monopoly to Top the Charts
- Chud and the Heartthrobs
- The MQ’s Last Supper
- Chef Gets A Little Too Creative
- Wells Fargo Turns To E-Banking
- SkyMqll Special Issue
- Biden Delivers Unique State of the Union
- IRS Debuts ‘Ultimate’ Form
- Alabama Embryologists Adopt 873 Children
- Clocks Fail to Change for Daylight Saving Time, No One Notices
- Simon Cowell Judges Middle School Talent Show
- UCSD’s New Mental Health Initiative Is ‘Queering the Male Loneliness Binary’
- Department of Music Announces New Concert Series
- Chancellor Khosla Announces New Evil Department
- Student with ‘Infectious Respiratory Pink eye’ reportedly Studying at Geisel
- Las Vegas Consumed by Plague of Moths
- CIA ‘Operation Dirty Talk’ Uncovered
- I Need Coding Help vs What, Like It’s Hard?
- I Am the Hydro Flask That Falls in Your Lecture
- Top Ten Reoccurring Nightmares
- Word Search for Inner Truth
- UCSD Announces Nocturnal Enrollment
- Top Ten Ways to Get Out of Jury Duty
- Biblical Scholar Bakes Angel Food Cake
- Teamwork
- US Military Tours Homeless Encampments for Career Exploration
- Rising Sea Levels to Extinguish Forest Fires
- UCSD to Introduce Mini-Triple Rooms
- Supreme Court Votes to Abolish Retirement
- SIO Researchers Discover Godzilla off La Jolla Coast
- We’ve Got to Do Something about This Rat Problem vs There’s No Such Thing as a ‘Rat Problem’
- Top Ten Alternatives to the Mail System
- Suspicions
- The MQ Catches a Leprechaun
- Ursa Missing: The Case of the Stolen Statue
- The MQ’s Spring Break
- Coca-Cola Unveils New Ad Campaign to Kill the Polar Bears
- HDH Enacts Quarterly Speed Dating Trials
- Carlton’s Column for Clowns, Jesters, and Fools
- Last S Spot Declared UNESCO World Heritage Site
- Neuralink Announces Amygdala Removal Surgery
- Why I Think Leprechauns Aren’t Real
- Top Ten Terms That Are Both Economic and Sexual
- TikTok Announces Opiate-Based User Retention Strategy
- Khosla Converts Audrey Geisel House into Airbnb
- Amazon and Boeing Announce Joint Microtransit Venture
- UCSD ‘in Tatters’ After Devastating Winter Storm
- Amazon Buys the Catholic Church
- Linguist Discovers True Meaning of Christmas
- Trump Discovered to Be Immune to Every Disease, Including ‘Rule of Law’
- UCSD to Release Anime Featuring John Muir, Roger Revelle as Romantic Leads
- Innovative Carpet Bombing Combats Atmospheric River
- NFL to have most Technologically Advanced Super Bowl yet
- Khosla Declares UCSD Tuition ‘Too Low’
- In-N-Out Burger Unveils New Secret Menu Item: The Quintuple‑Quintuple®
- Iowa Becomes First Woman-Free State
- White House Mandates New ‘mNRA’ Vaccines
- Disney Is a Striking Example of the Proliferation of Capitalism vs Fuck You, I’m Mickey Mouse
- ChatGPT Caught Cheating on Student
- UCSD Needs to Increase Awareness of Mental Illness vs UCSD Makes Me Very Aware of My Mental Illness
- Infiltration
- Local Gamer Embarks on ‘Relationship Nuzlocke’ to Legalize Polyamory
- iPads Mandated in UCSD Classrooms
- Technology Is So Cool. I Can’t Wait to Live In the Future! vs. Please Leave the Doctor’s Office; Your Subscription to Amazon Health Has Expired
- Top Ten Deadly Sins That Didn’t Make the Cut
- UCSD Implements Official Land Acknowledgment ‘Thanks to ChatGPT’
- MOM’s Adopts a Child
- Man Gets What He Wants by Wishing upon a Star
- Disney Copyrights ‘Everything’
- Tesla Is the Future of Accessibility vs. How Do I Open These Fucking Doors
- Top Ten Unconventional Parking Spots
- Read Me Like One of Your French Books
- Christmas Decor to Change Alongside Climate
- Please, Just Let Me Live in the Future
- Top Ten Similarities between Taking a Midterm and Climbing a Mountain
- Latest Apartment Listing
- New Genre of Music Emerges
- College Football Announces New Fan Voting System for Playoffs
- How to Sports Bet Your Way into Millions of Dollars
- Congressional Committee Distracted by Fly
- Top Ten Romantic Gestures
- The MQ’s Wisdom Teeth Extraction Fits
- How to Break Up with Someone
- UCSD’s Campus Is Poorly Designed and Hard to Use vs The Only Thing That’s Hard Is All This Concrete
- The MQ From an Alternate Timeline
- MYTHQUSTERS
- Top Ten Gifts We Returned
- Dear Emily Queue: Leap Day Edition
- New Car Headlights to Be Replaced with Floodlights
- New Candidate for New York’s 3rd Congressional District Announced
- UCSD Transportation Services Debuts Airline
- Psychoanalysis Wrapped — Your Top Armchair Diagnoses in 2023
- UCSD Announces Plan to Become Carbon Neutral
- Rocket Launch ‘Went Perfectly’
- Goodnight Moon Challenged in Schools After Debate Regarding Moon’s Existence
- UCSD to Replace All Footpaths with Scooter-Only Lanes
- UCSD Introduces Productivity Pods to Help Students Study
- Humans Declared Critically Endangered by ‘Guy Who Can’t Get Laid’
- LaCroix Announces New Boxing Day Hotdog Eating Competition
- Rats Unionize
- Dining Hall Workers Can’t Serve for Shit vs. We Serve Cunt
- Every Time a College is Opened, a Provost Gains its Wings
- Top Ten First Date Activities
- Eucalyptus Grove Marches on Geiselgard
- Mold Is Dangerous and It Should Be the University’s Responsibility to Remove It vs. Mold Actually Makes You Smarter If You Sniff Enough of It
- Top Ten Ways to Eat Enough Vegetables
- UCSD Begs Students to Have More Sex
- I Give Up — The Next Global Disaster Will Be Too Weird to Predict
- Top Ten Winter Sports
- You Are Not Snow White vs Tell That to These Fucking Ravens
- Frasier Reboot Meets Expectations
- It Takes Forever to Get Anywhere Because of the Construction vs. In My Day, We Walked Uphill Both Ways
- HDH Announces Tactical Operations to Track Down Missing Dining Hall Dishes
- One TA Can’t Possibly Grade it All vs. It Builds Character
- Top Ten Expensive Things to Do in San Diego
- Frosty the Snowman Pronounced Dead
- We Love and Respect All of Our Students vs I’m Homeless
- University Claims ‘The Creature Isn’t Our Problem’
- Happy 40th Birthday to the Stuart Art Collection! vs What Even Are All These Weird Pieces of Art?
- Top Ten Ways to Dodge the Draft
- The MQ’s Day at the Theme Park: Gubboland!
- The MQ Plants a Garden
- The MQ Presents: PROCEDURE
- The MQ’s Horoscopes for December
- The MQ’s Five Minute Craft
- Man on the Hunt for Turkey
- Cat Takes Shelter Inside Fridge
- Supreme Court Announces Decision: Gerrymandering Must Be Done by Impartial Artist
- New Sports Announced for LA Olympic Games
- UCSD Student Begins New TikTok Gym Trend: ‘Deathmaxxing’
- UCSD Buys Seaworld to Expand SIO Research
- UCSD to Convert Individual Parking Spaces Into ‘Housing Solutions’
- MTS Exclusive Offer Was Available October 1–30 ONLY
- Australia Loses War to Emus Again
- Conan O’Brien Returns as Sixth College’s Namesake
- Red Angels Drum Corps Raises Member Fees
- 2,300 Waitlisted Students to Be Housed in Open Pit on RIMAC Field
- San Diego Named Least Expensive City to Live in the U.S.
- UCSD Introduces Temu’s ‘Just Walk In’ Technology After Issues Arise With Amazon’s ‘Just Walk Out’
- Chuck E. Cheese Denies Five Nights at Freddy’s Connection after ABduction
- My First Bonfire Wasn’t as Magical as They Said It Would Be
- The MQ Runs For President
- The MQ’s Guide to Dark Magic
- Recall Notice
- New Determinism Movement Sweeps Through Campus
- Top Ten Conversation Enders
- Man ‘Halfway’ to Fluency Through Mahjong Playing
- Top Ten Bus Commute Tips
- No, Don’t Buy That Compression Shirt
- Associated Students Pledges to Fund Federal Government in Case of Shutdown
- UCSD Monetizes Course Enrollment
- Costco Begins Selling Gilded Gasoline, Celebrated by Members for ‘Unbeatable Bargain Price’
- The Mobile Ordering System on Campus Is an Unstable Nightmare vs The Triton2Go System Works Perfectly, You’re Just Being a Baby
- UCSD Lifts Undergraduate Laboratory Safety Protocols
- Geisel Wormhole Claims Over 1,200 Students, Solving UCSD’s Housing Crisis
- Revelle Adds HUM 5BL: Applied Practical Humanities
- Housing, Dining & Hospitality Announces Draft
- What Hath God Wrought Gains Sentience, Nobody Notices
- Top Ten Ways to Limit Your Screen Time
- New Nobel Prize Category Announced
- SPIN’s Walled Scooter to Revolutionize Campus Commute
- Ask Emily Queue: Eco-Friendly Halloween
- Top Ten Things to Carve (Other Than a Pumpkin)
- It’s Not Hazing vs I Can’t See Anything in This Fog
- UCSD to Become Religiously Affiliated University: ‘All Hail the Warren Bear!’
- Dianne Feinstein Ruled ‘Fit for Office’ After Death
- Top Ten Things We Put in Halloween Candy This Year
- Student Sealed Away, Shredded, Thrown Into Ocean
- Local Man Buys Clown Shoes,Insists He is “Not A Clown”
- Personal Carbon Electrolyzers May Solve Climate Crisis
- RIMAC to Replace All Dumbbells With Shake Weights
- Inedible Arrangements CEO Becomes World’s First Trillionaire
- Home Chef Invents Three-Day PB&J Recipe
- UCSD Offers First Quantitative Sheep Studies Course
- What Kind of Roommate are You?
- Mutated Sea Life Takes Over Coast Following Japanese Release of Treated Radioactive Water
- Elon Musk’s Baby Name List Leaked
- The MQ’s Collection of Summer Souvenirs
- Citing Inflation, UCSD Switches Quarter System to Dollar System
- Lightning Union to Strike During October Solar Eclipse
- The MQ Designs a Barbie
- Mattel Releases New Barbie,Makes Life in Plastic “Truly Fantastic”
- Top Ten Lesser-Known Reasons for Trump’s Indictment
- Ninth College to Become UCPD’s New Training Center
- My Study Abroad Experience Changed My Life and You’re Going to Hear About It Whether You Want to or Not
- More Wildfires Are Actually Great for Me
- Top Ten Imperial Measurement Units
- Library Discovered to Be Full of Facts
- We Have All Been Afflicted With a Curse
- Top Ten Things That Will Make You Feel Young Again
- La Jolla Coffee Shop to Require Three-Acre Land Ownership for Restroom Access
- Salk Researchers Find Chemicals in Water Supply
- Price Center Plaza Looks So Good Now! vs Nothing Has Changed
- Top Ten Things to Say When You’re Getting Your Photo Taken
- ExxonMobil Claims Leaving Refrigerators Open Can Solve Climate Change
- Grades Inflate, Society Crumbles
- Top Ten Things to Judge a Fish By
- In My Garage
- The MQ’s Guide to Birdwatching
- Do you like this cake?
- Baskin-Robbins announces 32nd flavor
- How to Always Win Your Fantasy Football League
- Why Can’t I Find a Relationship
- Bacteria Don’t Deserve to Be Experimented On vs They’re Not Fucking Animals
- NFL Releases Collaborative Script for New Season
- I Love Having Classes in Pepper Canyon vs ACHOO!
- Top Ten Places to Post the Syllabus
- SPIN Scooters Unionize
- Allowing You to Ride Me for Free Doesn’t Mean I Want Your Sweaty Hands and Feet
- “Alien Sexist” — Kerning Mishap Leads to “UF-aux Pas”
- DeSantis “Lost in Space” After Disastrous Second Campaign Re-Announcement
- Eighth College Mandates Construction GE Beginning Fall Quarter
- Drake Performance SurprisesStudents at Sun God Festival
- UCSD Cuts Costs by Hiring Giant Eyeball to Proctor Exams
- Plant Speech Decoded, Scientists Heard “More than They Came for”
- UCSD Biology Debuts Discussion Sections with 300 Students
- US Treasury Loses Trillion Dollar Coin
- MLB Hires Striking TV Show Writers
- Asteroid the Size of a Large Rock to Pass by Earth
- Pluto Violates Subscription Terms, Loses Planetary Status
- Top Ten Beach Activities
- Life Is Horrible, but I Have a Little Drink
- UCSD Announces Plan for “Giant Space Laser” to Eliminate Bad Weather
- Top Ten Ways to Generate Passive Income
- Furries Don’t Belong at the Met Gala vs Meow
- Absolut Unveils Pink-Flavored, Mercury-Infused Vodka for Pride Month
- La Jolla Village Square Parking Lot Replaced With “The Pit”
- UCSD Announces New Quantum Art Department
- US Army Brings ROTC to Preschools
- UCSD Debuts Mini Quadruple Rooms to Address Housing Shortages
- UCSD Reveals Sun God Is Pansexual in Celebration of Pride Month
- Tom Cruise Is the Last Gen X Babygirl
- Top Ten Things You’ll Miss About Campus
- The MQ Pitches a Young Adult Novel
- New LinkedIn Jobs Update Released: LinkedIn Cogs
- What Hath God Wrought Has Been Spelling Out Something Else This Entire Time
- UCSD Is Honoring the Contract from the 2022 Strike vs. It’s the Year 2040
- Famous Star Canceled for Creating Nuclear Power Plant
- Professional Sports Have Become Predictable
- Top Ten Collectibles
- Professors Start Evaluating Students Through New GRADE Program
- GPT-5 Beats Kobayashi Maru Test, Joins Admiral Kirk
- Susan Bagel – Banana Water
- God Continues to Send Prophetic Dreams to Man Who Never Remembers His Dreams
- We Should Respectfully Ask HDH to Charge Less for Food vs Hop In Comrade, We’re Seizing the Means of Production
- Top Ten Tips to Make Dishwashing More Fun
- Wanted: Our Missing Editors
- Local Chemist Feels Out Of Her Element
- Nun Starts New Religion
- Sculptor Tries Different Medium
- Things You Didn’t Know Were Stuart Art Pieces
- Mad Quibs: Coming Out Script
- Pop Cult
- Health
- Astrology – Your Whorescope
- Interview – Eleanor Rosewater Carnegie
- What’s your weekend personality?
- Werewolf Woman: The Invisibility of White Femininity
- My Boyfriend Hates My Sex Playlist
- How Puss in Boots Inspired Me to Try Online Dating
- Manthropology
- Retropolitan
- Fashion
- Back Ad – Dyson Womanizer
- March Madness Shortens Format To Draw in Younger Audience
- UCSD Athletics Pivots to Rotisserie Chicken Eating
- Railway Company Responds to Ohio Chemical Spill by Spraying Febreze
- Vending Machine Haunted By Malevolent Sprite
- UCSD Implements M.R.S. Degree to Increase Number of Women in STEM
- STEM Major discovered Eating at Roots
- AI Chatbot Releases “Machine Yearning” Update
- International Community Marks 50 Years Since WHO Pandemic Declaration
- Seventh College Installs Decorative Solar Panels
- Target Announces Ides of March Pride Collection
- Google Lays Off Entire In-House Circus
- Student Awaits Punishment for “Bathroom Grinding”
- Elephant Evades Poachers
- Farmer’s Produce Runs Away
- Top Ten Ways to Prevent Scurvy… Arrr!
- The MQ’s Guide to Home Decor
- Pepsi Carbonates Ocean in Attempt to Go Carbon Neutral
- UCSD Chemists Abandon IUPAC in Favor of “Making Shit Up”
- Mother Traps Baby Under Bar to Break Deadlift Record
- Top Ten New Pasta Shapes
- Guy Fieri Announces Bid for California Senate Seat with Diners, Drive-Ins and Democracy
- UC San Diego Bans Sale of Caffeinated Beverages
- U.S. Lifts Regulations Around Public Works Projects
- The MQ’s Science Fair Project
- Third-Year Math Major Forgets How to Spell Numbers
- Next-Gen Game’s $70 Price Tag Effective at Raising Executive’s Bank Balance
- People These Days Don’t Know How Hard It Is to Be an Immortal Wizard
- Top Ten Things to Put in a Time Capsule
- Local Rancher Inconvenienced by New Breed of Spherical Cow
- Eighth College Named
- Top Ten Substitutes for Buttermilk
- The MQ Designs the Eighth College Curriculum
- Lab-Grown Orange Sales Skyrocket After Blood Orange Controversy
- U.S. Government Pledges Three Million in Thoughts and Prayers to Türkiye and Syria for Earthquake Relief
- Organic Chemistry Is Made Up
- Top Ten Places to Conceal Yourself in Hide and Seek
- Tritons Confused by Abstract New Brand Guidelines
- Top Ten Self-Help Books
- The MQ Files Taxes
- The MQ Creates a Breakfast Cereal
- Goodyear Blimp Grounded Indefinitely
- How Depleted Uranium Could Solve the World Hunger Crisis
- China Claims Balloon originated from “Large Birthday Party”
- Scientist Reveals Days Are Only Going to Get Shorter
- TikTok Where Creator Points to Text Has Great Relationship Advice, Actually
- Local Student Stops Getting Gas, Car Still Runs “Just Fine”
- Board of Education Investigates Chromosome “Homolog Agenda” in Biology Curriculums
- Horticulturists Discover Blue Pepper
- Costco to Offer Medication Samples
- Biden Declares Bose-Einstein Condensate the New State of the Union
- Taiwan Bids to Be America’s New Asian Sweetheart in 2023
- Doctoral Student Submits Thesis, Promises to Have Time for Other Things Now
- Student Discovers Their iClicker Works Like Remote from “Click” Starring Adam Sandler
- Health Influencer Launches Brand of Mercury Supplements
- Chancellor Khosla “Surprised” to Find Classified Documents in Office
- California Storm Drain Systems Augmented with Parched Clowns
- The MQ’s Book of World Records
- Nicolas Cage Inspires Worship at Sun God
- I’m Finally Speaker of the House vs. You Are a Spineless Fool, Your Days are Numbered
- Top Ten Fastest Ways to Get to School
- Tesla Unveils Self-Driving Stroller
- Top Ten Things to Tell Your Barber After They Cut Your Hair
- What’s Your Love Language?
- The MQ’s Spring Olympics
- Local Dog Retrofitted to Learn New Trick
- “House Hunters” Renewed
- I Actually Started Going to the Gym on Dec. 25th, so I’m Better Than You
- Top Ten Cure-Alls
- This Year’s Super Bowl Ads Were the Worst Yet vs. Try the All-New Flavor Bomb in Your Ford F950!
- Top Ten Things to Do by Yourself on Valentine’s Day
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- HDH Recruits Gordon Ramsay to Fix Their “Kitchen Nightmares”
- Top Ten Band Names
- Ticketmaster CEO to Open New Company: Masterticket
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- UC Regents Offer to Pay Student Researchers in Dining Dollars
- Domino’s Announces New Delivery Service
- New Apple Variety Developed
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- ITS Announces Hiring of Carrier Pigeons to Improve ResNet Speeds
- Scientists Discover Long-Lost Thanksgiving Music
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- Top Ten Things to Do for Good Luck on Your Finals
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- Top Ten Ways to Make Yourself Fall Asleep at Night
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- It’s Not a Phage, Mom
- Top Ten Driving Distractions
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- Student Explodes After Discovering They’re An Extra on The Truman Show
- Förlåt Svenskar
- SPIN Scooter Claims First Life at UCSD Campus
- Professor Branches Out to Streaming Professionally After Lecture Recordings Succeed
- Throwing Food on Paintings Is an Ineffectual Protest vs. It Makes the Paintings Taste Better
- Top Ten Things We Put on Our Charcuterie Board
- UCSD to Sell Triton2Go Boxes as Christmas Presents for Future Biologists
- Susan Bagel: Bread
- Study Reveals That It Can’t Get Worse
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- “Khosplayers” to Storm Comic-Con
- UC on Day seven of Not Understanding the Point of a Union
- The MQ Redesigns the Food Pyramid
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- Top Ten Questions Even the Riddler Can’t Answer
- Ask Emily Queue: College Relationship Edition
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- Cells Have Feelings, Too
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- filtr.
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- UCSD to Remove All Grass on Campus for the Construction of Ninth College
- Elon Musk Declares Himself “Techno-Emperor of the Universe”
- Student Shocked to Discover Pete Davidson is Now Dating Her Mother
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- Minotaur Discovered in UCSD Tunnels
- Breaking Bones Is Good for You Because Then You Have More Bones
- Roommate Wanted
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- Man Who Has “Never Had COVID” Discovers Devastating News About His “Allergy Flare-up”
- Ask Emily Queue – Sports Edition
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- Top Ten Sign-offs for Emailing Your Professors
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- Local Chef Opens New Restaurant
- When the Moon Hits Your Eye Like a Big Pizza Pie
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- Fantasy Football Punishment Ends With Three in Jail
- Cold Fusion Debate Gets Heated
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- Map of Campus
- Scarecrows to Be Used to Alleviate Teacher Shortage
- SHEIN Starts Selling Clothing Made of Antimatter
- CHIPS and Science Act Relieves Salsa Surplus
- Triangle-cut Pizza: The Story of Success Taken Away
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- Top Ten Things the FBI Found in Mar-a-Lago
- Local Horse Opposes Affordable Housing Development in Neighborhood
- San Francisco Giants Could Still Make the World Series
- SeaWorld Files Defamation Suit Against Disney
- New Students Incorrectly Pronouncing RIMAC
- Susan Bagel: Soup
- Geisel Renovation to Include New Crying Booths in Response to Rising Mental Health Concerns
- Study Finds New Sixth College Students Don’t Know How Good They Have It
- UCSD Cracks Down on Students Squatting in Unfinished Eighth College
- Sunny G Found Wearing CAPEs
- The U.S. to Start Broadcasting All Court Proceedings Following Popularity of Heard-Depp Trial
- Scientists Discover Arizona Green Tea Is The Elixir of Life
- Photographer Protests the Use of SD Cards, Claims Art’s Beauty Is Fleeting
- Top Ten Fast Food Secret Menu Items
- Snake Path Comes to Life, Eats Anyone in Its Path
- The Card Readers on Vending Machines Eroded My Trust in Our System
- SDPD Uncovers Cannibal Cult
- UCSD Unveils Limited Number of Singularity Dorms to House Infinite Students in One Room
- Things are Starting to Change and I Don’t Like It
- Title of Khosla’s Leaked 2022 Commencement Address: “Good Luck LMAO”
- Top Ten Things That Aren’t Getting Enough Attention Right Now
- The Pride Flag
- Jeff Bezos Releases Best-selling Novel, “If You Give a Minimum Wage Worker Respect”
- Student Accidentally Brings All the Sand From the Beach Home With Them
- Top Ten Things You Are Probably Doing That Make You a Horrible Person
- The Man Cave
- Suburban Lawn Care Association Mandates Biodiversity Training
- Chancellor Khosla Sleeps Through Campus Abortion Rights Protest
- Top Ten New Laws of Physics
- Summer Blockbusters
- Ask Emily Queue: Pride Month Edition
- In Memoriam
- The MQ Plans an Off The Walls, Bombastic, $4.5 Million Summer Wedding
- What is Your Pasta Personality?
- Mother Nature Dramatically Misunderstands the Assignment, Starts Giving Out Lemmings
- It’s Not Easy Being White
- Top Ten New Ways to Generate Clean Energy
- Susan Bagel: Meringue
- You Can Enjoy Your Summer and Relax Vs. No You Can’t, You Have 1000 Things to Do and You Need to Finish Them by Tomorrow
- The G-Nome
- Chemist Discovers First Base
- For Local Frog, “It Ain’t Easy Being Green”
- UCSD Fourth-Year Refuses To Admit She Has Peaked
- Local Parents Welcome Another Child Into Their Family
- Statistics Show Alaskans Have Better Love Lives
- “Zoboomafoo” Reboot Casts Jerma as Iconic Lemur
- 27 Best New Products to Buy In 2022
- Around the World with Cristopher Gardner: Cajun Cuisine
- Yeast of Eden
- Is it Ever Okay – Breastfeeding
- Is it Ever Okay – Spaghetti
- Is it Ever Okay – Palm Oil
- Is it Ever Okay – Gum
- Is it Ever Okay – Beach
- Is it Ever Okay – Vegan Options
- Is it Ever Okay – Kettle
- Is it Ever Okay – Manslaughter
- Is it Ever Okay – Play-Doh
- Is it Ever Okay – Estranged Father
- The Newest Ingredient is Only a Short Flight Away
- I’ve Been Disguising McDonald’s as My Own Cooking for Years
- Bottlenose Dolphin Brain: A Delicious Cure for Depression?
- Embracing Inauthenticity
- RSVP
- Arctic Circle Restaurant Review – Beauty is in the Eye of the Beet Holder
- Arctic Circle Restaurant Review – Violence Baguettes Violence
- Arctic Circle Restaurant Review – The Bat
- Arctic Circle Restaurant Review – Top Secret Government Project Stay Out of Here
- Italy Restaurant Review – Marinara Express
- Italy Restaurant Review – Caulisseum
- Italy Restaurant Review – The Bootlicker
- Chicago Restaurant Review – Gordon Crunch’s Honest-to-God American Brunch
- Chicago Restaurant Review – The Deepest Dish
- Chicago Restaurant Review – Chicag-stop and Enjoy My Lovely Falafel
- Chicago Restaurant Review – Swampy’s
- Every Time You Break Spaghetti to Fit It in the Pot, An Italian Grandmother Dies
- Remy – Rat Chef
- Kevin Ptashnik – On a Mission to Spice up Your Life
- Sabastian Tonne – Kindergartner
- Dr. Kaplan Tingo – Professor of Biology
- Gunter Icha – Serving Up Justice
- Dorm Room Dinner Party
- Away
- Basically
- Featured Dishes
- Must-Have Gadgets
- Bon Appétit – Back Ad
- Cutting-Edge Computer Virus Sweeps Through Campus
- Local Flint Shortage Sparks Absolutely Nothing
- Joe Rogan Defends Controversial Interview with the Devil
- Student with 300 Tabs Open Wonders Why Computer Is Slow
- The MQ Plans Their Day
- April Fool! This Student Has Been Trying to Nurse a Dead Plant Back to Life for the Past Three Months
- The MQ Plans a Spring Break Trip
- Student Studying Abroad in the Netherlands Accidentally Sent to the Nether
- Yes, I Am, in Fact, God.
- Where’s Waldo’s Next Job?
- Mother Orders Tacos
- Man Edits His Genome
- Student Finds Four-Leaf Clover on Sun God Lawn, Wins Zoom Meeting With Leprechaun
- Posers Are Horrible and Ruin the Scene for Everybody Vs. I Am Having So Much Fun and Everyone Likes Me!
- Top Ten Candle Scents
- Philosophy Student Mistakes Thought for Mind-Blowing Epiphany
- White People Can Handle Spicy Food and You’re Going to Watch Me Prove It
- Crypt o’ Currency
- Mad Quibs – Barista Brawl
- The Crossword
- Crossword Answers (secret!!!)
- There’s No Ethical Consumption Under Capitalism vs. Hey, That’s My Lasagna!
- Top Ten Things We Learned Not to Talk About at Parties
- UCSD Crane Replaced By Bird
- March Madness Turns into March Insanity
- The End is Near! vs No, It’s Just Acid Reflux.
- Top Ten Things We Keep in the Junk Drawer “Just in Case”
- Local Gamer Tragically Latches on to Cool Character in Elden Ring
- No, I Won’t Close My Tabs, They All Have Really Important Stuff on Them
- Top Ten Ways to Spice Up Your Sex Life
- Susan Bagel: Cheesecake
- April Fools’ Day Comes to Campus One Month Early, Incites Chaos
- Student Procrastinating at the Beach Discovers the Tides of March
- Bean Bag Shipments to Russia Halted in Support of Ukraine
- Local Journalist Slammed for Using Snow Cones Instead of Snowclones
- Genentech Slated to Release Highly Anticipated “Human 2.0” Update
- Self-Proclaimed “Main Character” Dies After Parachuteless Skydiving Attempt
- Ukraine Moves Country to the Middle of Russia
- Student Creates Hobbit-Hole out of Dorm Room, Lists it on Airbnb
- One Dead and Three Injured in Emotionally-Charged Car Ride
- Will you help Him?
- Paramount Halo TV Show to Include Intern OCs
- Photoshop Object Select Stops Identifying Women, Claims They Are Not Objects
- CDC Recommends Hiding Vaccines Under Mashed Potatoes to Get Anti-Vaxxers to Take Their Medicine
- Candy Hearts to Contain More Specific Declarations of Love
- Computing Major Still In Denial
- Damning Photos Surface of Tucker Carlson With the Green M&M
- Man Claims Covid-19 Created to Annoy Him Personally
- James Webb Space Telescope Finds Tragedy in Outer Space
- A Glimpse into the MQ in the Year 3022
- The MQ Goes on a Quest
- Thespians Claim COVID Immunity As They Are “Really Good At Pretending They Don’t Have It”
- Escaped Lab Mouse Takes up Residence in Seventh College Elevator
- Ask Emily Qupid
- The War on Lawn Decor Intensifies, Tragedies in Gnome Man’s Land
- Unrecorded UCSD Lecture Now Considered Lost Media
- UCSD Student Discovers the Last Number
- Top Ten Uncommon Hazards to your Health
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- Groundbreaking Study Finds Average New Year’s Resolution Is Only Kept for 25 Minutes
- Top Ten Items We Found in the Fridge After Returning from Winter Break
- Student Locked Out of Dorm in Solidarity with MLB Players
- UCSD Announces Virtual Classes To Be Held in the Metaverse
- Okay, Fine, I Still Haven’t Seen Squid Game
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- Literature Major Unable to Let Go of the Myth of Sisyphus
- Wolftown Debuts New Locally Sourced Raccoon Bowl
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- Aides Refuse to Reveal Secret to Queen’s Long Life as 70th Year of Rule Approaches
- Psych Student Develops Cure for Déjà Vu
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- Top Ten Songs from Musk the Musical
- State of California Abolishes Legal Gender, Strictly Enforces Favorite Color Instead
- COVID-19 Positive Students to Isolate in Breakout Rooms
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- My Life Isn’t So Bad Actually vs. I’m From a Different Dimension, You’re in the dark timeline
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- UCSD to Launch New Subscription Based Wifi Service
- I’m the gallon of milk in your fridge you have not touched since week 1
- Wall Street Grows Tired of Betting Against the Livelihood of Working Class People, Begins Betting Against Working Class’s Lives Directly
- In Resolution of Third Strike, 64 Employees Receive Conciliatory Turkey
- Hark! Welcometh Back to Mine ThouTube Channel
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- To Anna, The Girl In Front Of Me Who Stole My Joke In York Hall
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- Count Ejacula Confirms New Line of Male-Enhancing Drugs
- Students Desperate for Chance at Black Friday Tuition Discount
- Local ASMR Artist Livestreams From the 8th Floor of Geisel During Finals Week
- UCSD Announces Transcripts and Diplomas to be Available Exclusively as NFTs
- Mom, I Would Like a Piece of Bread
- Hanukkah Cut to Seven Days Due to Oil Shortage
- Local Gnomes Open Restaurant
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- Facebook Whistleblower Reveals the Internet is Still a Giant Cesspool
- UCSD Chem Majors Have a Thanksgiving Feast of Chemicals
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- New Study Reveals Why All the YouTubers You Liked as a Kid Are Now Anti-Vaxxers
- Wastewater Detection Systems Find Baby in Sewers After 2018 Masturbation-in-Shower Epidemic
- UCSD Creates New “All Holiday Week” for Convenience
- Lucky Student to Receive Full Ride Scholarship After Participating In Series of Challenges
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- Statisticians Create New Phe-Nominal Scale for Extra Special Data Points
- Santa Claus Teams With Jeff Bezos, Can Finally “Watch Who’s Naughty and Who’s Nice”
- UCSD Gets Railed by Blue Line Extension
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- I Got Salmonella From UCSD Dining Halls vs. We Don’t Even Serve Salmon!
- 1,000 Dead in the War on Christmas
- Sun God Weeps During Finals Week
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- New Summer Toy!
- Nasa Launches Cat-based Lunar Module
- Nasa Launches Cat-based Lunar Module
- Ask Emily Queue
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- Welcome To: “THE META UNIVERSITY XPERIENCE”
- Ancestors Hear my plea
- UCSD Implements Inclusivity “Mxndate”, Enforces Binary “Mxntality”
- Breaking News: Animal Spotted in Local Forest
- Sun God to Be Demoted to Sun Emperor
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- Movie Producer Approves Movie Adaptation of Its Novelization
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- Girls With Crystals to Reignite the Salem Witch Trials
- Price Center’s TapEx Is Tired of Being Confused for Tampax –– Considers Rename
- Ask Emily Queue
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- What College Are You In? vs. Who Cares?
- Anti-defamation League Champions New Era of Kindness
- Aggressive Hurricanes Battle for the Right to Destroy Gulf Coast
- Man Horrified to Find That He Now Operates Under Looney Tunes Physics
- Top Ten Classes You Didn’t Know You Could Take at UCSD
- Top Ten Modern Fairy Tales
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- OH NO! The MQ is a Scary Movie!
- The MQ Gets Bought Out in a Hostile Takeover
- Pizzeria experiences gas leak
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- Asshole Printer
- The MQ Rates All the New Dishes HDH Introduced to Save Money
- UCSD Campus Police Crack Down on Post-It Art Returns to Stop and Frisk
- UCSD Announces “Bold, Firm” Plan to Decarbonize “by the Time the Earth is Swallowed by the Sun”
- Disney Announces New LGBT Show, No Queer Characters Planned
- All Dining Dollars Converted to Triton Cash: Students Feast in Laundry Rooms
- UCSD Wins Rights to Build Ninth College Atop Gliderport Parking
- Researchers Prove Center Hall Chairs Combat Student Sleeping Epidemic
- Local Goth Dancers Protest the Removal of Rave Bridge
- Students Move Into Empty Classrooms to Overcome the Housing Crisis
- Theology Professor Criticized for Requiring Students to Buy Bibles with Access Codes
- UCSD Invests in Alarm Clock System Disguised as Construction
- U.S. Successfully Withdraws from Afghanistan: “The Pull- Out Method Wins Again”
- Fighter Jet Flyovers of Campus to Increase
- RA Expecting to Bust a Party Accidentally Busts a Lecture
- Defaced Lecture Hall Causes Quantum Controversy
- Random Passerby Crowned “King of the Met Gala”
- Fraudulent Blacksmith Forges Sword
- La Jolla Family Rents Out Doghouse to UCSD Student Amidst Housing Crisis
- Ben Platt Reveals His Secret to Staying Young
- UC Regents Evacuates UCSD, Raccoon Insurgency Rises to Power
- Clown Costumes Moved to Sexy Section of Spirit Halloween
- Neck to see you -_-
- Nintendo Accidentally Sues Itself After Remaking its Own Game
- Susan Bagel
- Worst Campus Jobs
- Online Proxy Warrior Stuck in Infinite Loop
- How I Cured Conspiracy Theorists by Selling Them a More Ludicrous Conspiracy
- Acronym Creator Missing in Action
- Blue’s Clues Detective Business Fails
- UC Campuses Criminalize USB Drives to Combat Illicit Black Market Dealing
- Pro Unreal Tournament Player Reflects on 9/11
- UCSD Return to Learn Meeting
- Terms and Conditions
- Top Ten Things We Did in Remote Learning that We Should Continue in Person
- Top Ten Lesser Known Starbucks Drinks to Spice up the Fall
- Top Ten Similarities Between Ronald Reagan and Ronald McDonald
- Captain Ahab closes in on rare whale
- Like My Chicken How I Like My Fish:
- Get Involved!
- The MQ Predicts Your Future
- The MQ Commits the Perfect Crime
- Alternative PowerPoint Presentations
- Now Open for Buisness
- Dear Evan Hansen, I’m Scared
- Agricultural Revolution Erupts from Horse Dewormer Shortage
- UCSD Spam Quarantine Email Name to be Changed “Out of Respect” for Past Events
- Local Gamer Releases Manifesto on Video Game Monetization
- UCSD Turns Class Selection Process Into a Gacha Game
- San Diego Vaccination Site Incentivizes Vaccine with Barrels of Funfetti Frosting
- Raccoon Cult Offers UCSD Students Secure Housing
- New Sticky Notes Sell Out After Gaining Massive Hype
- LEGO US Releases Nation Building Sets, Parts Recalled for Injuring Future Generations
- UCSD to Give Out Commemorative Tents to Students as a Solution for the Housing Crisis
- Local Crypto-Entomologist Finds a Bug in His Code
- Impossible Foods to Release “Horrifyingly Realistic” Human Meat
- Student Spends Four Years Studying Sugar Production, Finally Granulates
- Local MILF Willing to “Risk it All” for One Night of Dining Out at Rubio’s Coastal Grill
- UCSD Professor Holds Office Hours Days After Exam, Considered for Position in CAPS
- Environmentalist Worried After Interest Surges in New Cryptocurrency: KermitCoin
- Local Senior Procrastinates Having Senioritis
- Wizards of the Coast Announces New D&D Book: The Curse of QAnon
- Dr Pepper Forced to Pay Fine When Drink is Revealed to Contain Less Than 20% Doctors
- “Pomp and Circumcision” To Be Played at UCSD Graduation Following Chancellor’s “Head Tax” Announcement
- Local Scrabble Champion Outraged: “If Marijuana is Legal, Proper Nouns Should Be Too”
- Video Game Journalist Learns to Jump During Final Boss Battle
- Oh the Places You’ll Go! (After You Move Back In with Your Parents)
- Italian Populace Celebrates 25 Years Since the Eruption of Pompeii
- Violent Clashes Occur as UCPD Shuts Down Unsanctioned Open Mic
- Snickering Researchers Warn of New Threat Posed by Updog
