Volume 32
Democrats Find More Straws After Drawing Last One
As national outcry against ICE sweeps across the nation and constituents call upon their representatives to “finally do something,” Democrat leaders released a statement sharing the …
The Creature Is Coming
“Not everything is about politics,” said The Creature.Photo by Aidan Moran Over the past year, journalists, researchers, and monster-hunters across the United States have begun to …
Tim Walz Found Licking Boots
Under the mandate of Kristi “Bitchslayer” Noem, the Department of Homeland Security (DHS) deployed multiple Immigrations and Customs Enforcement (ICE) agents to various Minnesota cities in …
Local Author Runs Out of Ideas
After years of synthesizing new, interesting concepts for books and short stories, local author Marianne Throuble has “completely run out of ideas.” “I sat down to …
Epstein Family Amphitheater Found on Flight Logs
“lisdfa;piohjfqwrjoi;sda”said G word hidden. Photo by Dylan Schmidt I n what UC San Diego administrators deem “an unfortunate incident that raises more questions than it answers,” …
Susan Bagel: Cinnamon Rolls
Cinnamon rolls are a time- consuming endeavor — one that requires a certain steeling of the soul. Nana Bagel reminded me of this time and time …
UCSD Forces Students to View ‘Image that Kills You’
“Eh, I’ve seen worse,” said one particularly avid Reddit user.Photo by Amit Roth The UC San Diego administration announced its plans to add a new general …
OceanView Terrace Now ‘Serving Cunt’
“I hope the homosexuals feel safe now,” said Chancellor Khosla.Photo by Dylan Schmidt After months of “complicated and tense” deliberation within UC San Diego Housing, Dining …
Woman Holds Auditions to Find Valentine
“Is this an entry level relationship?” asked one recent graduate.Photo by Farhad Taporevala Hope Lise, a 28-year-old San Diego local, announced on social media that she …
UCSD Overhauls Remedial Math
“THWwACK,” said one anonymous ruler.Photo by Ariel Chen After a recent faculty report exposed “really scary” deficits in student mathematics preparedness, Chancellor Pradeep Khosla will begin …
