Volume 32
Elon Musk Apologizes to Elementary Schooler
As X and SpaceX’s increasing CO2 emissions contribute to the global climate crisis, prominent Xeeter and billionaire Elon Reeve Musk has come under fire for questionable …
UCSD Introduces Paid Battle Pass Subscription for Students
Beginning Winter Quarter 2027, UC San Diego will introduce a new paid service that allows students to “level up” and receive exclusive rewards. “We admire all …
North Pole Refuses to Release the Naughty Files
“I did not have sexual relations with that reindeer,” said Claus.
President Claus of the North Pole has officially delayed the publication of the Naughty Files by issuing an executive order…
Sixth and Revelle Invade Muir
In a “treacherous” and “cowardly” maneuver, the “barbaric” Sixth and Revelle Colleges have simultaneously declared war on the Sublime College of Muir. Allied forces have been …
Were-CATs Prowling San Diego Streets
“Do not feed the were-CATs. We don’t actually know what their natural diet is,” said Gloria. San Diego Mayor Todd Gloria recently issued warnings urging residents not to “drive anywhere after…
Mucus Secretions Up
After conducting field research, immunologists have concluded that UC San Diego is currently the most mucinated campus in the U.S. Lead researcher Glem Phlegm, Ph. D., …
‘World’s Least Observant Man’ Plays Escape Room
Local man Ronald Pembry decided this Friday to book an escape room for himself and his friends because “it sounded like a fun thing to do.” …
United States Places 200% Tariffs on North Pole Imports
“Can you really put tariffs on goods that move exclusively through international airspace?” asked one pedant. Amid the developing trade war between the United States and…
Detention Center Promotes Puritanical View of Rehabilitation
On Friday, Governor Spencer J. Cox (R-UT) took to X, formerly known as Twitter, to boast that he had “solved the homelessness crisis,” planning to forcibly …
