Freshman
I am Hermit the Crab, a freshman at UC San Diego and the first non-human to enroll in the school’s history. I major in Real Estate + Development as I aspire to be a realtor, like my father. Currently, I am taking shelter under UCSD’s housing guarantee for my first two years. For the foreseeable future, I am stuck in the Muir residence halls — the exterior design of which might have been inspired by local detention centers. The interiors are more liveable, but there are a few things that bother me.
As a crab who received financial aid of $5,000/year for four years, I was expecting higher standards for human housings. First of all, why are there no kitchens? It’s not that I cook or anything (in fact, I’m more worried about my suitemates cooking me), but last week, I was invited to a party at Seventh and the guys there were just casually using their God-given grill to make burger patties! Even those crab-icidal crows came to gather around the opened window, waiting to snatch scraps.
As I looked around, I realized that their apartment looked like an actually liveable place! They had sofas that weren’t weirdly angular, extra space for a widescreen TV, and even a large storage room for privacy, as opposed to the confessional-esque stalls in Tioga and Tenaya.
I’m a crab. I know I don’t need that much space. Why then am I paying around the same amount for housing as those guys in Seventh? Back when I was wandering around La Jolla Shores, I could get housing for free! Going on a walk garnered me a snail shell, the bottom of a Beyblade, and a SpamTM can — all of which were more cost-effective than the housing I have now!
I want UCSD to implement quality-based housing prices. For example, if you want a presidential suite that will become available with the construction of Tenth College, then you can waste your money on that. But if you want to save some sweet greens, then you can be crammed into a Revelle triple and wonder why you and your two roommates have the same amount of space as the guy next door with a single. I believe this will make the housing inequalities feel more fair. Anyway, I just hope that UCSD stops constructing new buildings and starts renovating the dorms in Revelle, Muir, and all the other 20th century colleges. Otherwise, I’ll opt out of living on-campus. I’m going to live in my SpamTM can near the Price Center dumpsters.
