Point: Celebrities Have Lost Touch with Reality
President of the Sabrina
Carpenter Fanbase c. 2016
The time was 22:55. I just got off work and eagerly made my way to my home office. I twisted the door open to reveal the room illuminated only by the moonlight just outside the window, its serene glow concentrated on my PC. It felt almost poetic. Like a siren call, my computer sang to me. I turned it on, the soft buzz emanating from the CPU as it loaded up my life’s work. I clicked open Instagram, then X, then Discord. Like a beating drum, I logged into all of my accounts: SabFanHQ, ClubCarpenter, and TasteOfSabrina. Soon, I was ready to start up the fan server I have been running since 2020. I scrolled through each of my posts, updating my timelines and feeds to give — no, to serve — my fellow Carpenters.
In a way, I felt like a prophet. My 69k followers all depended on me for the latest updates and news. Every song announcement was up to me to report. I sat through every award show she was nominated for to give my followers the live play-by-play. Every photo shoot, family gathering and intimate date: I was on the front lines. I was doing the hard work no other fan was doing, and I knew my services were appreciated.
Well, at least, I thought so.
I was in the middle of creating my next post, a collection of photos a correspondent of mine sent of Sabrina’s most recent colonoscopy. Oh god! I hope she was alright. This was huge; I knew the people would be happy to see this. But when I tried to tag her, I was faced by a harrowing surprise.
Her account did not show up. I tried it several times. Maybe it was my WiFi. I disconnected my router. I shut off the entire power in the house. I tried my other accounts. Nothing. She was gone.
That’s when it hit me. She blocked me. That bitch.
Rage filled my eyes; my body swelled and trembled with fury. My fingertips grew numb. How could she? After everything I did for her — for us. How could she block me so easily? Like I was nothing to her. I knew celebrities these days were growing all too cocky. So stuck in their own worlds to acknowledge those who actually care for them, who made them. I saw the way Chappell Roan berated her fans. The way Frank Ocean abandoned his closest supporters like nothing. I knew there was this systemic divide between the celeb and the inferior. But I didn’t think Sabrina could stoop so low.
I took to my accounts to announce the betrayal. Like Caesar on the day of his assassination, I was backstabbed. Over and over and over again. My followers cried with me. They mourned the loss of our popsweetheart. There was nothing we could depend on anymore.
As of today, I will only be referred to as GuildGrande. Don’t disappoint me, Ariana.
Counterpoint: Respectfully, I’m a Little Freaked Out Right Now
Grammy Award-Winning Singer
Huh. Okay… Feeling a weird vibe right now to be honest, so I’m just gonna…walk away now…okay?
Listen, don’t take this personally or anything — I mean, trust me, I love my fans — but I don’t really mess with this. This is just a little weird…not trying to be rude or anything. I’m sure you’re a nice person, and thanks for listening to my stuff and all, but maybe find another hobby? Or a job?
All love and respect though, of course.
Destiney is an enigma, downright gaseous if you will. A being of many words, but little thought. You may find them listening to Sabrina Carpenter or spacing out in very unfortunate places. Know that they perceive you and they are only a little bit concerned that you dislike them.
