Volume 32
I Need to Keep Renovating
I recently bought a house and with it began a brand new chapter of my life. I’m so excited to live in this big, beautiful home, …
White House Announces New Quarantine Guidelines
“No bulletproof vest for my child, please — they cause autism,” said one anti-vester.Photo by Ezra Bihis & David Muñoz After Saturday’s mass shooting, White House …
‘Performative Male’ Democrat Delivers Performative Filibuster
“The female form is just a work of art, y’know?” said Booker. “It should be worshipped.”Photo by Dylan Schmidt In an attempt to “connect with the …
Band of Murderers Pardoned, Deputized Into Ice Agents
In a move labeled “controversial but not unprecedented,” a group of notorious murderers and serial killers have been pardoned from Minnesota State Penitentiary and deputized into …
AI CEO Found Dried Out
Wilt.ai CEO Will Tookwater was found in his bed on the morning of February 3 a “dehydrated and unpleasant stale raisin.” According to his doctors, Tookwater …
Cicadaman Emerges from Centennial Slumber
“What did they build in New York?” Cicadaman asked. “Some kind of World Trade Center? Cool! I sure hope nothing happened to it!”Photo by Dylan Schmidt …
OceanGate To Launch New Submersible
After a three-year hiatus, OceanGate Inc. has officially announced plans to resume operations. Their “reopening” will include the launch of its new submersible vessel “Chekhov”. The …
Canvas Shifts Online Services to Stone Tablets
Economists warn of soon-to-burst tablet bubble.Photo by Amit Roth L ast quarter, Instructure Canvas experienced a 17-hour global outage. Afterward, Instructor Canvas chief executive officer Steve …
Pride Month To Be Sponsored by Raytheon
Defense contractor RTX, better known by its former name Raytheon, released a statement affirming its support for the “LGB” community. In a “watershed” decision signaling “their …
School Shooters Now Required to Use Silencers During Exam Season
“Quiet coyotes, everyone!” said one teacher between gunshots.Photo by Amit Roth With SAT and AP testing season rapidly approaching, San Diego Unified School District (SDUSD) has …
