Volume 32
UCSD Has Crazy Housing Inequality!!!
I am Hermit the Crab, a freshman at UC San Diego and the first non-human to enroll in the school’s history. I major in Real Estate …
Susan Bagel: Cinnamon Rolls
Cinnamon rolls are a time- consuming endeavor — one that requires a certain steeling of the soul. Nana Bagel reminded me of this time and time …
UCSD Forces Students to View ‘Image that Kills You’
“Eh, I’ve seen worse,” said one particularly avid Reddit user.Photo by Amit Roth The UC San Diego administration announced its plans to add a new general …
Elon Musk Apologizes to Elementary Schooler
As X and SpaceX’s increasing CO2 emissions contribute to the global climate crisis, prominent Xeeter and billionaire Elon Reeve Musk has come under fire for questionable …
UCSD Introduces Paid Battle Pass Subscription for Students
Beginning Winter Quarter 2027, UC San Diego will introduce a new paid service that allows students to “level up” and receive exclusive rewards. “We admire all …
Sixth and Revelle Invade Muir
In a “treacherous” and “cowardly” maneuver, the “barbaric” Sixth and Revelle Colleges have simultaneously declared war on the Sublime College of Muir. Allied forces have been …
North Pole Refuses to Release the Naughty Files
“I did not have sexual relations with that reindeer,” said Claus.
President Claus of the North Pole has officially delayed the publication of the Naughty Files by issuing an executive order…
Mucus Secretions Up
After conducting field research, immunologists have concluded that UC San Diego is currently the most mucinated campus in the U.S. Lead researcher Glem Phlegm, Ph. D., …
Were-CATs Prowling San Diego Streets
“Do not feed the were-CATs. We don’t actually know what their natural diet is,” said Gloria. San Diego Mayor Todd Gloria recently issued warnings urging residents not to “drive anywhere after…
