“I did not have sexual relations with that reindeer,” said Claus.
Photo by Amit Roth
President Claus of the North Pole has officially delayed the publication of the Naughty Files by issuing an executive order blocking their release. During a press conference, the President emphasized that the files are “all lies,” and “a hoax brought to you by the nasty and evil Krazy Krampus and Jealous Jack Frost.” President Claus further defended his claims on Snow Social, formerly known as Twitter, Seeting, “THE DEEP STATE SOUTH POLE OPERATIVES ARE LYING TO YOU. IT WAS ALL A CONSPIRACY TO TAKE ME DOWN BEFORE I REVEALED THE TRUTH. BUT IT’S TOO LATE NOW. THE FILES ARE NOT REAL. BUT IF THEY WERE I WOULD NOT BE IN THEM. AND EVEN IF I WAS I WAS JUST REALLY GOOD FRIENDS WITH JEFFREY. BUT NOT THAT GOOD.”
When he ran for re-election in 2024, Claus vowed to “do everything in [his] power to release the files.” He also claimed the “liberal deep state” was holding on to the files and colluding with Krampus to keep the information out of the hands of the “great people of the North Pole.”
This desicion has come as a “tremendous shock” to many voters. One Make the North Pole Great Again (MNPGA) member, Candy “Candy Cane” Kane, shared, “I mean he fooled every one of us. Me and you, we all got fooled. There was simply no way to tell.” Another MNPGA member and toy factory worker, Foreman Pierce, advocated for the release of the files on Snow Social, Seeting, “RELEASE THE NAUGHTY FILES!!!”
When surveyed, a significant portion of MNPGA members revealed they had voted for Claus with the hopes of him releasing the Naughty Files, the existence of which had been partially confirmed by the previous Rudolph “Red-Nose” Reed and Comet Jackson administration in late 2022.
Right-wing social media influencer Yukon Jones expressed remorse for promoting Claus during the 2024 election cycle. In a recent video, Jones described his frustration with the executive order: “I’m in the same boat as everyone else with the same information; there was no way to fact-check his statements. I have no idea why Santa isn’t releasing the files. I mean, it’s not like he’s in them or anything. That would be insane!”
Several key members of Claus’ cabinet have declined to answer questions concerning the release and existence of the files. Secretary of Toy Weapons Manufacturing, Tom Pine, expressed disapproval at skeptics of the president’s claims, Seeting, “It’s upsetting to see so many traitors within the North Pole. I wish to see them gone.”
