“Do not feed the were-CATs. We don’t actually know what their natural diet is,” said Gloria.
Photo by Amit Roth
San Diego Mayor Todd Gloria recently issued warnings urging residents not to “drive anywhere after 5 p.m., or whenever sunset is these days” due to an infestation of “were-CATs” on the streets of San Diego. “I need to stress that this isn’t a feline infestation,” Gloria clarified during a press conference on Tuesday. “I mean CATs like the construction equipment company. Apparently, a group of rogue lycanthropes broke into a construction site and started gnawing on the machines, until it like…transformed them.” Currently, there have been no reported deaths from the were-CATs, just numerous “frightened and confused” emergency line calls from drivers.
The were-CATs reportedly hunt in packs, trapping their prey with a series of freeway exit closures and “Road Work Ahead” signs. San Diego local Catherine Black shared her experience. “I went out to grab dinner with my girlfriend. It took like twenty minutes to get to the Olive Garden. Great drive, wonderful view of the sunset, crazy drivers, ya [sic] know, normal San Diego road experiences. Well, the girlfriend and I took a bit too long at dinner, and by the time we started to head out, it was pitch black. No biggie, I thought. It should take less than twenty minutes since there’s less traffic. Boy was I wrong.” Black reported being stuck on the street for two hours. “First they corralled me off the highway except one, and forced me to turn into the suburbs. “From there? They shuffled me around more back road residential streets. I’d try to go down a road that would lead me toward civilization and bam! There it was again, in all of its yellow glory, forcing me to do loop-de-loops around a cul-de-sac.”
Construction equipment expert Dr. Herbie theorized that this might be a tactic to tire out their prey. “They’re a new species, recently brought to life, so we’re seeing them try a variety of hunting strategies to figure out what works. For example, we are starting to see similarities between the were-CATs and camouflage-based ambush predators. Sometimes the group of were-CATs will use tendrils that look like human construction workers to gain the trust of and direct drivers right into their traps, and, I presume, eventually, their big open maws.”
Gloria has publicly sworn to divert resources and address this crisis immediately, but skeptics doubt the veracity of his promises. “Honestly, I don’t know why it’s only now being treated as a big deal. The streets have been unnavigable once the sun goes down since maybe the founding of San Diego!” said UC San Diego student Bessie Pertwee. “The mayor has never done anything about it before, so why do anything now? At least with these things they’re shutting roads down to hunt for food or entertainment or something. Before, every street was shut down for absolutely no reason except to mess with me!”
Jules was born from a stone egg near Flower Fruit Mountain. Shortly after his birth, he became king of the monkeys that lived on the mountain. He then went on to gain immortality 9 times and also cause havoc in heaven. He has now retired to write for the MQ.
