News
Entity Projecting Waves of Apathy ‘Not a Big Deal,’ White House Says
“I actually voted for the entity,” said one median voter.Photo by Amit Roth At 11:56 p.m. on October 27th, an unknown entity appeared in the sky …
Birds To Go On Strike
“Birds of a feather strike together!” said Big Bird.Photo by Dylan Schmidt Yesterday, the American Bird Union (ABU) announced that all members will go on strike …
Millionaire Becomes Philanthropist After Dickensian Ghost Visitation
“I was ghoulish before, but now, I’ll be more transparent with my business practices,” said Richard Cox.Photo by Abby Offenhauser Multi-millionaire CEO, lobbyist, and oil mogul …
Alcoholics Anonymous of UCSD to Be Introduced to Campus
“First, no coffee — now, no beer?” said one newly converted Mormon.Photo by Ezra Bihis UC San Diego is set to introduce an Alcoholics Anonymous (AA) …
Jack ‘O Lantern to Retire, Replaced by Daughter Jill
“Save the snowflakes for Christmas,” said Dick Johnson.Photo by Amit Roth After 50 years of service, Jackson O’Hannigan Lanternson — or Jack ‘O Lantern, as he …
Local Chimps Protest After Jane Goodall’s Passing
“It’s a battle between apes and pigs,” said one bystander.Photo by Chaveli Diaz The Trump administration has recently cut $8 billion from climate-related projects in 16 …
UCSD Offers Baphomet Muscle Machine
“No pain, no Faustian gain!” said Aryn Gonzaga.Photo by Amit Roth Following a recent study revealing 64% of adults aged 18–24 are looking for easier ways …
Facebook’s Metaverse Ported to the Collective Unconscious
“I tried to watch ‘The Social Network’ last week, and they deleted my occipital lobe,” said one user.Photo by Amit Roth Meta’s Metaverse, formerly known as …
Taylor Swift ‘Begs’ Fans to Ignore Lyrics
“Why can’t people just separate the speech from the speaker?” said Taylor Swift.Photo by The MQ Despite being considered one of the “least anticipated” releases of …
HHS Announces Return to Humorism
“Bloodletting?” read one Xeet. “More like blood mandatory.”Photo by Amit Roth Last Monday, Secretary of Health and Human Services (HHS) Robert F. Kennedy Jr. announced in …
