“Save the snowflakes for Christmas,” said Dick Johnson.
Photo by Amit Roth
After 50 years of service, Jackson O’Hannigan Lanternson — or Jack ‘O Lantern, as he is colloquially known — will step down as the official Halloween mascot. Lanternson, who had been serving as president of Halloween candy production goliath Spooky Inc. for half a century, announced his imminent retirement in a recent press conference. During the conference, it was also announced that Lanternson’s 35-year-old daughter Jill would be taking over as the new president of Spooky Inc. “I firmly believe that my dear Jill will be able to take on the mantle as the new, and, more importantly, beautiful face of Halloween.”
This decision came as a surprise to shareholders and the public alike, as it had been anticipated that Lanternson’s son, Jackson Lanternson Jr., would inherit the company. “This is outrageous!” said notable podcaster Dick Johnson. “The woke virus has hit our most sacred holiday! Not to mention this is a terrible business decision on Lanternson’s part. Who’s gonna back a company run by someone inexperienced and, dare I say, incompetent?”
Jill Lanternson, who graduated top of her class at Wharton Business School before working on Wall Street for a decade, expressed that she is “absolutely thrilled to be taking on the mantle.” Jackson Lanternson Jr., a 25-year-old TikToker who dropped out of business school and currently lives in Malibu, could not be reached for comment.
This change comes after Spooky Inc. faced backlash after several reports of discrimination against women. Whistleblower Hallie Weene reported sexist and misogynistic workplace culture before spontaneously withdrawing her complaint and moving to Nyköping, Sweden. The $200 million company had been the top of headlines in following weeks, with more former employees speaking up about the “toxic” work environment. This announcement shortly followed these headlines, and Spooky Inc. has launched a new marketing campaign featuring Jill Lanternson on all the advertising material.
Jack Lanternson will reportedly not fully depart the company and instead will join the board of directors as chairperson. Leaked internal documents found that the company will restructure itself so that the board of directors must approve of the company president’s decisions. Feminist groups criticized the company, viewing these changes as “token” concessions, with “no lasting impact.” Mr. Lanternson firmly denied the accusations, saying, “This is an incredible step forward in the holiday industry; no other holiday corporation has a female mascot … I mean … president.”
After his speech at the press conference, Lanternson was caught on a hot mic saying to his colleagues, “Let the woke money roll in!”
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