“Bloodletting?” read one Xeet. “More like blood mandatory.”
Photo by Amit Roth
Last Monday, Secretary of Health and Human Services (HHS) Robert F. Kennedy Jr. announced in an post, or “Xeet”, HHS will base all future research and medical innovation on humorism, a system of medicine based on the belief that the human body consists of four vital fluids and that an inbalance of them is the root of all illness. This is the newest measure in Kennedy’s plan to “Make America Healthy Again.”
“America is in crisis. Our children are sick, and we have been doing nothing to fix it. We are seeing a rise in diseases once thought to be irrelevant to such a prosperous country, and there is only one way to stop the spread: returning to our roots as a Western, Christian nation. That means Western, Christian medicine. And when I think of Western medicine, I think of four things: blood, phlegm, black bile, and yellow bile,” stated Kennedy in his post.
Kennedy further addressed this new policy in a press conference held at the White House. “This decision is backed by weeks of my personal diligent research,” he said. “Humorism is at the core of Western medical advances. Beginning with the ancient Greeks, the system was practiced for over 2,000 years until it was ‘disproven’ by woke Enlightenment scientists like Giovanni Battista Morgagni. The fathers of the West, from Socrates to Shakespeare, relied on humorism. This superior system of medicine, combined with prayers and self-flagellation, helped us overcome the Black Death and become the great pioneers of liberty. If we write off tradition, we risk losing our status as this wayward world’s last beacon of hope. In order to save our country and protect our children, we must return to the medical knowledge of our forefathers.” Scientists and historians alike were reportedly shocked by this announcement, with physician and media contact for the World Health Organization (WHO) Claudia Al-Razi, Ph. D, describing herself as “flabbergasted”. “This is a new low, even for Trump’s HHS.” Al-Razi said in a rejoining press conference held by the WHO. “Humorism was definitively disproven as a valid medical practice almost 150 years ago! There is no reason to bring it back when we have modern medicine. I mean, for God’s sake, that’s like banning vaccines to bring back variolation!”
Commencing October 1st, hospitals nationwide will begin implementing “good-old-fashioned” treatments such as bloodletting and trepanning. In order to cover the costs of these measures, a new bill known as the Legislature Ensuring Enforcement of Congruous Humors (L.E.E.C.H) has been signed into law. L.E.E.C.H will redirect education funds toward investing in bloodletting centers and previously-banned apophlegmatisms. Kennedy’s support for humorism comes during a time of rising uncertainty and fear as diseases previously thought to be under control, such as tuberculosis and measles, are on the rise in the United States. Smallpox remains eradicated but the CDC has released guidelines for both at-home and in-hospital variolation (an ancient treatment in which healthy patients inhale material from smallpox spores) in anticipation of an outbreak.
After being informed of this news, Dr. Al-Razi reportedly placed her head in her hands and began to weep.
The MQ’s publicity editor and tavern wench, Claire is allegedly a second-year theatre major. When not doomscrolling for post ideas, she can be found slithering around the Galbraith basement, trying to bring back “forsooth”, and listening to Kate Bush’s hit 1978 album The Kick Inside.
