News
Nirvana Discovered on Border Between Hypomania and Mania
“Wait, can I just, like, pretend to do this without the caffeine?” said one social media influencer. At approximately 2 a.m. this past Tuesday, UC San …
UCSD Announces Another Construction Project
“When I can’t sleep and the beam passes the window, I can see the silhouette of my roommate…pleasuring himself…” said one student. Chancellor Pradeep Khosla announced …
UCSD Writing Programs Introduce New ‘Metamorphic’ Curriculum to Fail Students
“What does the use of the space bar say about the author’s intentions?” asked one professor. Multiple UC San Diego writing programs announced that they will be completely rehauling…
Rapture Indefinitely Postponed After God Reviews Guest List
“But I wanted uppies!” said one Christian father.Photo by Ezra Bihis In a move that sent panic throughout evangelical communities in the United States, God announced …
Aircrafts to Only Fly at ‘Worst Possible Time’
“INAUDABLE,” said Andrew Jeong.Photo by Ariel Chen In a “historic” effort, both UC San Diego and the 3rd Air Wing of the United States Marine Corps, …
Insurance Companies Implement New ‘Arcanic’ System
“The witch said my cancer was ‘meant for me’?” said one UnitedHealth Group User.Photo by Ezra Bihis Responding to mass complaints about alleged A.I. use in …
UCSD Renames Sixth College After RuPaul
“A” letter grades have been replaced with “S”, which stands for “Serving”.Photo by Daniel Palacios-Villegas In honor of National LGBTQIA+ History Month, UC San Diego announced …
White Supremacists Now Disinterested in Valhalla
“I didn’t think Valhalla had H1-B visas,” said Burke Collins.Photo by Farhad Taraporevala White supremacist groups in the United States are reportedly distancing themselves from any …
Yuri Banned
“How will this affect Gaylor?” asked one protestor.Photo by Aidan Moran To combat the “troubling threat lesbians pose to American democracy,” President Trump issued an executive …
Montana to Introduce New Congressional Maps
The final electoral map was found to be more representative than the Texas redistricting.Photo by Ezra Bihis and Amit Roth In response Proposition 50 in California …
