“I didn’t think Valhalla had H1-B visas,” said Burke Collins.
Photo by Farhad Taraporevala
White supremacist groups in the United States are reportedly distancing themselves from any Nordic Pagan influences after FBI Director Kash Patel gave an impassioned eulogy for his friend — a deceased, disgraced podcaster — implying that Patel himself followed the same beliefs as those groups, and intended to seek glory in the Nordic afterlife of Valhalla.
Groups such as the Aryan Brotherhood have historically utilized Norse symbology and Viking “traditions” to display their pride for their “epic based white heritage,” leading to many Scandinavian symbols and traditions being co-opted by these self-described “Aryan-Fascist” groups. However, after hearing Patel’s eulogy, which concluded with him saying that he “had the watch” and would “see [him] in Valhalla,” many white supremacist groups have dropped Nordic references and symbolism from their official brandings.
“I’m just, like… not really all that interested in it anymore, y’know?” said Burke Collins, who has been a member of The Brotherhood since he dropped out of high school last year. “Like, me and the boys just got these really sick Viking rune tattoos the other day, but now, it just… seems kinda lame. He’s really ruined this for us.”
While several groups started quietly phasing out their Nordic branding, some more hardcore white supremacist groups, such as the Blood Tribe, initially pushed back against what they referred to as “cultural appropriation” from Patel, stating in a press release on Truth Social, “As the true White Americans, we condemn in the strongest of terms Mr. Patel’s ahistorical insinuation that he will ever seek rest in the halls of Valhalla. Those halls are reserved for our ancestors, the original Aryans, and he shall set no foot within.”
Mr. Patel released a statement in response, saying, “I am a real Aryan. The original Aryans are actually from the Aryan mountains of India, just like me! I’m one of you guys!” The Blood Tribe, upon reading this, quickly and quietly dropped all Viking branding out of shame, because “he’s making [them] look really stupid.”
As Viking helmet sales in the US have plummeted by 90%, many white supremacist groups report feeling “listless” without an aesthetic to tie their movement to. Prominent groups have been trying to rebrand by committing to other “based and trad” religions such as Catholicism or Eastern Orthodox Mormonism, but they claim it “lacks the sick-ass gods [they] could devote [themselves] to” that Nordic Paganism possesses.
“Catholicism is cool. There’s no doubt there. But I’m just not really feeling as compelled by this God guy the same way I was to like… Odin, or Thor or whatever,” said Collins. “It’s missing that certain… X factor. But that’s when I started thinking… if this Kash guy is gonna take our thing, maybe we can take something back from him…”
After a “heated discussion,” the Aryan Brotherhood slowly rolled out new branding, replacing their Viking symbology and Odin branding with Hindu symbols featuring the goddess Shiva.
“While doing my deep dive on Conservapedia about Kash Patel, I discovered he actually grew up Hindu,” said Grand Historian Ericke Burghley of the Aryan Brotherhood. “So, I started looking into it… and this religion is badass! They’ve got this guy called ‘The Destroyer’ and stuff, which is just the badass thing I was missing from that gay-ass Catholic shit!”
After the Brotherhood made the full aesthetic conversion, many other white supremacist groups followed suit.
“Look, we’re principled racists. That’s for certain,” said Burghley. “But, sometimes, our principles have to bend a little bit to account for someone being really annoying about something that used to be cool.”
Upon seeing the massive wave of Hindu rebranding from the white supremacist organizations, Patel was seen “dejectedly” taking down his wall-mounted Viking helmet and cancelling a tattoo appointment at his desk in the White House.
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