News
Santa on Ozempic
“Ho, ho, ho, Ozempic,” sang Santa Claus. In a “shocking” development jingling the Christmas world, sources confirm that Santa Claus has been on an “Ozempic journey…
UCSD Writing Programs Introduce New ‘Metamorphic’ Curriculum to Fail Students
“What does the use of the space bar say about the author’s intentions?” asked one professor. Multiple UC San Diego writing programs announced that they will be completely rehauling…
I Guess Some Earthlings Are Also Considered ‘Aliens’
Today marks the 283rd day since I first arrived on Earth. For some context: I only came to this planet to acquire the minerals you call …
UCSD Extends Quarter for Chemistry Department ‘Christmas Final’
“Can we get this to happen to the biology majors too?” said one evil biology student. UC San Diego has decided to extend the 2025 Fall Quarter by two weeks following requests from the chemistry…
Ditto AI Pivots to Circus Industry
“I saw a giraffe with two necks and no feet,” said one visitor. Widely regarded as the source of “all those annoying posters on campus,” matchmaking service Ditto AI has decided to take advantage…
Grinch ‘Fucking Pissed’
“The true meaning of Christmas is now beating the shit out you people,” said Grinch. After nearly seven years away from the public eye, Ethan Toothstain Grinch, or The…
Science Fairs Replaced With ‘Correlation Fairs’
“If you would consult, well, if you were to consult…umm,” said R.F.K. Jr. In an effort to introduce the American youth to the new government-wide policy of “science shortcuts,” the Department…
Creature Now From Pool Due to Ocean Acidity
He’s not the only one who’s wet,” said one woman, showing her breast. According to a recent report given to the UC San Diego Police Department, a creature that looks “like a weirdly attractive cross between a fish…
Bruce Wayne and Batman Caught Together at Charity Gala
“Bruce and the Bat bouncing on it?” riddled The Riddler.Photo by Amit Roth According to attendees of last Saturday’s Wayne Charity Gala, bachelor and philanthropist Bruce …
Santa Requests Protein Shake Instead of Milk and Cookies
“I heard reindeer meat is protein-rich,” said Claus. His reindeer could not be reached for comment. In a recent press release from the North Pole, Santa Claus announced that, instead of the traditional…
