News
Insurance Companies Implement New ‘Arcanic’ System
“The witch said my cancer was ‘meant for me’?” said one UnitedHealth Group User.Photo by Ezra Bihis Responding to mass complaints about alleged A.I. use in …
UCSD Renames Sixth College After RuPaul
“A” letter grades have been replaced with “S”, which stands for “Serving”.Photo by Daniel Palacios-Villegas In honor of National LGBTQIA+ History Month, UC San Diego announced …
White Supremacists Now Disinterested in Valhalla
“I didn’t think Valhalla had H1-B visas,” said Burke Collins.Photo by Farhad Taraporevala White supremacist groups in the United States are reportedly distancing themselves from any …
Taylor Swift ‘Begs’ Fans to Ignore Lyrics
“Why can’t people just separate the speech from the speaker?” said Taylor Swift.Photo by The MQ Despite being considered one of the “least anticipated” releases of …
Yuri Banned
“How will this affect Gaylor?” asked one protestor.Photo by Aidan Moran To combat the “troubling threat lesbians pose to American democracy,” President Trump issued an executive …
Montana to Introduce New Congressional Maps
The final electoral map was found to be more representative than the Texas redistricting.Photo by Ezra Bihis and Amit Roth In response Proposition 50 in California …
Entity Projecting Waves of Apathy ‘Not a Big Deal,’ White House Says
“I actually voted for the entity,” said one median voter.Photo by Amit Roth At 11:56 p.m. on October 27th, an unknown entity appeared in the sky …
Birds To Go On Strike
“Birds of a feather strike together!” said Big Bird.Photo by Dylan Schmidt Yesterday, the American Bird Union (ABU) announced that all members will go on strike …
Millionaire Becomes Philanthropist After Dickensian Ghost Visitation
“I was ghoulish before, but now, I’ll be more transparent with my business practices,” said Richard Cox.Photo by Abby Offenhauser Multi-millionaire CEO, lobbyist, and oil mogul …
Alcoholics Anonymous of UCSD to Be Introduced to Campus
“First, no coffee — now, no beer?” said one newly converted Mormon.Photo by Ezra Bihis UC San Diego is set to introduce an Alcoholics Anonymous (AA) …
